


To Seek a New Perspective

by alrighty_aph



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Background Het, Background Slash, Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, Co-workers, Coming Out, Dysfunctional Family, Eventual Romance, Family Bonding, Family Drama, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Harry Potter Next Generation, Hogwarts Professors, M/M, Matchmaking, Multi, Next Generation, Not Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Compliant, Post-Canon, Post-Hogwarts, Pre-Slash, Quidditch, Slash, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:41:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25315465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alrighty_aph/pseuds/alrighty_aph
Summary: After failing miserably as a professional Quidditch player, James Sirius Potter tries to escape from his old life- and his old self. Luckily for him, Teddy Lupin is in need of a teaching assistant at Hogwarts. Being a professor comes with an assortment of struggles and misfortunes, but it becomes much more difficult when James starts to fall for his co-worker.///UPDATE 1/7/21- Due to my hectic personal life, this fic is currently on hiatus. If all goes well I will be back to updating in early March, at latest early May. Send an ask on my tumblr alrighty-aph if you have any questions!
Relationships: Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley (mentioned), Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks (mentioned), Scorpius Malfoy/Albus Severus Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin (mentioned), Teddy Lupin/James Sirius Potter, Teddy Lupin/Victoire Weasley (past)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 38





	1. Recede Into the Shadows and Find the Light

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first (public) fic, so please feel free to give constructive criticism!  
> This fic should be canon-compliant with the original Harry Potter series (including the Epilogue, for the most part), but it is not compliant with anything in Cursed Child. I'm expecting it to be fourteen to sixteen chapters long and I will be publishing one chapter a week. I consider this fic to be a slowburn, but it most likely won't be extremely slow. Enjoy!

_“James Potter II_

_Montrose Magpies Seeker”_

The words on his poster taunted James. In between posters hanging on the changing room wall for the six other players for the Montrose Magpies, his poster shined the brightest. It pictured James, flying on a broomstick, mere centimetres away from the warm glow of the snitch, his black hair blown out of his face by the force of the wind, his charcoal robes drifting behind him and the magpie design on his chest lighting up in waves of glittering white. On the day the photo was taken, he’d been elated with how handsome he looked in the finished product; not just how handsome, but how grown-up, how professional. He’d ordered fifty copies of the printed posters, sending one to each of his siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, along with a few others for his old Hogwarts friends. And, of course, he’d sent one to Teddy, who wasn’t quite family, but not quite a school-bud, either.

After playing his final game of the league season, James wished he hadn’t sent the poster to anyone. The false image of him was just embarrassing as he sat in the Montrose Magpies changing room, staring at the poster and wondering if he’d made the biggest mistake of his life.

James assumed his teammates were at a bar- maybe the Leaky Cauldron- taking shots of firewhiskey to drown their loss or ranting over pints of butterbeer. He’d been too ashamed to ask to join, and they likely wouldn’t have wanted him there, anyways. From just looking at his poster, James seemed successful, a budding talent ready to reinvent the game, but they all knew his stats told a different story.

Not one catch. Nine games. No snitch.

After the first game, the Magpies still won, so James wasn’t all that concerned that he hadn’t caught the snitch. The opposing seeker hadn’t caught it, either; easily, it could’ve been a fluke. After the second game, when the opposing seeker _had_ caught it, James chalked it up to a coincidence. Maybe he’d have to practice a bit harder, that’s all. But after the third game- still no snitch- James realized there was no flukes, no coincidences, just a fact he loathed to realize: He wasn’t as good of a Seeker as he thought.

Everyone on the team knew it. He had heard Alfie Edwards (his team’s Keeper, and the best one in a while) and Macie Bowbell (the more skillful of the two Beaters) whispering jabs at his talent- or lack thereof- behind James’ back. Worse, every wizard and witch in the United Kingdom knew it. _The Daily Prophet_ conveniently managed to avoid the topic, but the tabloids talked; _Witch Weekly_ released an article naming James as the least-eligible Quidditch star bachelor, citing his lack of wins as the cause of his future destitution.

James buried his head in his hands, gripping onto clumps of his hair, as if that could stabilize him. His face felt hot, hotter than it had when he was straining to fly fast enough to catch that stupid snitch; the heat of embarrassment had a greater sting that the heat of exhaustion.

The idiotic image of him hung on the wall, a proud and cocky seeker that James struggled to recognize. He approached the poster, his nose almost pressing against it, and observed it closer. There was not a bead of sweat on his face, a strain in his muscles, a flaw on his skin. All that promise, all that superficial strength, lost before he had the chance to truly claim it.

James tore down the poster, crushing it into a crumpled ball. He tossed it into the nearest dustbin. _No,_ he thought, _too easy_. Walking over to the bin, he retrieved the poster and stuffed it into his travel bag. He’d need the constant reminder of his incompetence, or else he may forget and try to achieve something again. Which could only result in another catastrophic failure.

Hoisting his travel bag over his shoulder, James left the changing room, and then exited the arena. He left his broomstick and gear behind, knowing he wouldn’t ever have a use for them again.

. . .

Being a professional Quidditch player had meant not needing a home to stay at. James graduated Hogwarts the last year and was immediately signed to the best team in the league, so he didn’t have a need to purchase a flat, much less a house. They stayed at hotels, mostly, a new one every few weeks, never not traveling, never settling down. James had always preferred something grounded, a nice house with a distinct scent and hidden places for knick-knacks, but the Quidditch lifestyle didn’t allow for anything of the sort.

After leaving the arena, James wished he had splurged for a flat or a tiny home, because at least then, he wouldn’t have to come crawling back to his family. They’d been there, at his final game that night, and firsthand witnessed his loss. His close family- his mother, father, sister, and brother- and most of his extended relatives had been there, which made the entire experience worse by tenfold.

Hating to have to go back, James took a muggle bus, a journey that would last hours rather than the few seconds of apparation. He sat in the back of the mostly empty bus, picking at the torn threads of his seat.

James looked outside the bus window, seeing the muggle cityscapes illuminated by lights but otherwise surrounded by darkness. He imagined returning home. His mother and father wouldn’t talk about what had happened. Or maybe his mother would; after having a successful career of her own in professional Quidditch, she’d have to wonder what went so wrong with her son. Al, his melancholy little brother, wouldn’t likely say anything either. But James knew he’d _think_ about it, think about how much of a loser his big brother was, and how that pleased Al- even though he’d never admit it- that cocky James finally got what was coming to him. And Lily, who couldn’t ever control her mouth, would ask James a million mindless questions, and remind him of what he lost every day.

Worst of all, all of them, in some way, would pity him. Even Al, even Lily. James had seen their faces in the crowd after he lost. They had tried to cover up their expressions, seem indifferent, but they were shocked. Maybe a little disappointed, too.

James’ fist clenched. He wasn’t a porcelain doll that would break without attention. He was an adult, a man, and he needed to solve his problems himself.

The bus stopped abruptly- it wasn’t his stop, but he recognized the area- and James stood up on impulse. He didn’t _have_ to go home. Not now, at least. Not tonight. He hurried off the bus, his bag in tow, before he had a chance to change his mind. Standing on the pavement, cool winds causing him to shiver, James began to walk down the path, crossing his fingers that he could remember in which direction to turn.

. . .

In a dingy flat complex, James stood on the third floor, at the end of the hallway. He knocked on the door to the utility closet- only it wasn’t _really_ a utility closet- and waited for a response.

James tapped his foot on the loose floorboards impatiently. The wallpaper in the hallway was striped green, peeling off to reveal molded walls; it was difficult for James to not gag in disgust. The hallway was badly lit, as well. It had enough windows, but it was the middle of the night, so the only light source was the flickering, yellow bulb dangling in the center of the hallway. There was a distinct scent to the hallway, which could be found throughout the entirety of the building- a humid, mildew smell that mixed with the contrasting dry and dusty atmosphere- he hoped the “utility closet” had a favorable scent, as he wasn’t sure if he could handle breathing in that air all night.

James knocked again at the door. After waiting for a moment of silence, his patience began to waver. Pulling his wand out of his travel bag, James pointed it at the doorknob. Carefully surveying the area around him, he whispered, _“Alohomora.”_

The doorknob twisted slightly. A small grin tugged at James’ lips at his successful spell, before his grin faded as he recalled why he had to use it in the first place. He shook his head, opening the door and casually walking inside.

From the outside, the door appeared to lead to a tiny closet- likely too small to fit more than one person- but on the inside, it was a spacious flat. Quaint, but spacious enough. No lights were on in the flat, but James could see enough from the moonlight illuminating the room, pouring in from the large windows. He’d been here a few times, and nothing looked to have changed; everything aside from the single bedroom and bathroom was open, with a small kitchenette and a bar with seating across from an area with two sofas and a short table. James flung his travel bag onto the smaller of the brown sofas, sitting down on the larger. It was _almost_ long enough for him to lay down straight, but James was quite tall, anyways, so he hadn’t expected it to be his size. He looked at the little table between the two sofas, which had a half-full cup of tea sitting upon it.

James was suddenly parched. He took a sip of the tea. It was cold, but its sweet flavor made up for its subpar temperature. After chugging the rest of the tea, he put down the cup and lied down on the sofa. He fell asleep almost instantaneously, his exhaustion overpowering his busy mind.

. . .

“Didn’t realize I had a bunk-mate.”

The warm voice woke James up with a start. He sat up immediately, groggily rubbing his eyes to adjust to the sunlight and see the familiar, teal-headed figure standing above him. Of course, it was Teddy, the owner of the flat. He looked the same as he had the last time James had seen him- last Christmas- with the same ever-changing bright hair, straight nose, pronounced eyebrows, friendly disposition, and overwhelming number of piercings. James, muttering mindlessly, said, “Ah, Ted, sorry, I just—”

“You can explain over breakfast, hm? Eggs sound good to you?” Teddy spoke, already turning around and heading to the refrigerator. James watched him walk away- he wore a short-sleeved grey top and shorts, presumably his nightclothes. His legs were toned; Teddy always liked muggle football, didn’t he? James wondered if he still played.

James suddenly remembered that Teddy had asked him a question as he looked at him quizzically, one of his pronounced eyebrows raised. “Oh, yeah, I like eggs plenty.”

Teddy began to whisk the eggs. Getting up and sitting at the bar seating, right across from where Teddy stood, James watched him cook with a practiced hand. James wished _he_ knew how to cook- then he could at least do something for Teddy after rudely breaking into his flat- but he was only recently graduated, and he hadn’t had time to learn any new skills with Quidditch taking up all his time.

Apparently, cooking eggs was quicker than James thought- or perhaps Teddy had muttered an incantation while he wasn’t looking- because their breakfast was ready in seconds. James was handed a plate, which he began to stuff down his throat. He hadn’t had lunch or dinner yesterday as the stress for the game had taken precedence, and he had an empty stomach to show for it. Teddy laughed lightly at James’ animalistic eating, but James was far too hungry to mind.

Sitting down at a bar stool next to James, Teddy asked, “So, what twist of fate brought the Great James Potter into my flat?”

James took a break from scarfing down his breakfast to laugh. Teddy used to call him that when they were young, before James started Hogwarts and they began to see each other less. He knew now that he wasn’t “great”, but James had quite the ego at the time. “Couldn’t go back home, you know?” James said casually, trying to avoid the awkward truth. But by Teddy’s expression, he didn’t understand what he was referring to. “I didn’t know where else to go, and I thought you wouldn’t mind having me here.”

“I don’t mind. Well, I’d prefer a word of warning before breaking in, but as long as this doesn’t become a habit, it’s alright with me.” Teddy smiled at James. Teddy never smiled with teeth, James remembered, always giving a small, inviting smile that wasn’t overwhelming or forced. “But did you tell Harry and Ginny you’d be here?”

The use of James’ parents first names took him back for a moment, but he was quick to respond, “No, I didn’t tell Mum or Dad. But I’m an adult, Ted, it’s fine.”

Teddy frowned, his straight jaw tightening for a moment. “I should really write them, James. You understand, course?” He got up from his seat, heading for his room, but James got up and grabbed his arm. He felt Teddy’s hair stand up straight at his touch.

“I failed. My Quidditch season was a complete bust, I’ve lost the League Cup for the Montrose Magpies for their first time in years. I quit before they could fire me, and I have no idea where my life is going to go.” The words spilled out of James like an overflowing cup, all at once without a moment taken to stop and think. Teddy turned to face him, his face unreadable.

He nodded slowly. “I get not wanting to be around family right now, James, but I still have to write them. You being safe is more important to them than any stupid League Cup, I promise.”

James slumped back into his chair, moving his plate so that he could lie his head down flat. Teddy sighed, sitting back down next to James. James looked at him, trying to guess what he was thinking, but all he was met with was an empty expression and eyes brown like toffee. Teddy lied his head down flat on the counter, so that he and James were looking at each other straight. If James had been any less stressed, he would have laughed. “Have any idea what you’re going to do? Where you’ll stay, if you’ll get a job?”

James rubbed his forehead. He was glad that Teddy didn’t ask about the details of his short-lived Quidditch career, but the questions he did ask weren’t his favorite to answer, either. “I haven’t really thought about it. If you don’t mind, I’d like to sleep here a few more nights. Just to figure stuff out, on my own.”

“Of course,” Teddy said, motioning to the open door to his bedroom. “You can sleep on the bed; I’ll take the sofa.”

James rolled his eyes. “I’m not ‘the Great James Potter’ anymore. I don’t need the royal treatment. Sofa’s just fine for me.” James was annoyed by his younger self- a boy with two famous parents who thought he deserved the world, or that he could take it on- but was even more annoyed that Teddy remembered him as someone so privileged and high-maintenance.

“That’s alright, as well. Better for my back.” Teddy rolled his shoulders in mock discomfort, which made James hyper-focused on the width of said shoulders, and whether his own were bigger in comparison… Teddy’s smooth voice interrupted his thoughts. “But as far as figuring stuff out, I might be able to help you get a job. Just for this year, and it’ll be a good distraction.”

James lifted his head up from its resting spot on the counter. He hadn’t realized how much he wanted to get a distraction, especially in the form of a job, but it sounded promising. If he succeeded wonderfully in a new profession, maybe his family would forget about his Quidditch failure and maybe he would fade into the background of the public’s mind. “Really? What? Do they pay well?”

Teddy laughed. “No, unfortunately, they do not pay well. Plenty of benefits, though; free place to live, free meals. But it’ll be more like an internship for you.” James’ eyebrows raised, and Teddy continued, “You’ll still get pay and the benefits, don’t worry. Only difference is the type of work you’ll be doing.”

“Less work, hopefully?” James inquired, half joking and half dead serious.

“Not necessarily,” Teddy replied, brushing a tuft of teal hair out of his eyes. “It’s a job at Hogwarts.”

James almost yelled, “Absolutely not!”, and rushed out of Teddy’s flat, never bothering to look back. But he took a moment to consider it. His siblings, Al and Lily, were still at Hogwarts, which was what turned him away initially- but would he even encounter them, and would it matter if he did, if it were in a professional setting? And aside from that, it didn’t sound all that bad. Teddy was a teacher at Hogwarts- the Transfiguration professor- and he was the most content young-adult James knew. And Hogwarts was far away from his parents, and from professional Quidditch players, and from the press. Not to mention that he only had good memories of Hogwarts; that place was more his home than anywhere else he’d lived. “What would I be doing?”

Teddy smiled slightly, that same, reassuring, closed-mouth smile. “My teaching assistant. It’s sort of training-with-pay; I was a teaching assistant for Slughorn’s Potions class before he retired.”

Perhaps it was the warmth of Teddy’s smile, or the friendliness in his voice, the satisfaction of the breakfast, or the sheer impulsiveness that came with the major life change that struck James yesterday, but being a teaching assistant, secluded from society, being paid for what was, essentially, higher-education, and spending time with his old friend seemed like a viable plan. _And it’s only for a year, anyways,_ James thought. “And you won’t get angry with me if I mess up terribly?”

“This isn’t for _me,_ James,” Teddy said, getting up from his seat and placing his hands on James’ shoulders. James suddenly begun to worry about the width of his shoulders again as Teddy held them. “I’m offering you the position because I think it’s a good fit for you. If it’s not, I’ll give you a shining letter of recommendation to whatever job you try next.”

Teddy’s toffee eyes were just as reassuring as his smile and twice as warm. James got up quickly- shaking Teddy’s arms off his shoulders in the process- and held out his hand. “Thanks, Ted. I’ll take the position.” Teddy grabbed it and shook, his hand soft, like he’d just moisturized- a sharp contrast from James’ Quidditch-calloused hand. James dropped his hand after their shake begun to last for a few awkward seconds too long. “Co-workers?”

Grinning and ruffling his bright hair, Teddy spoke, his voice a wave of light. “Co-workers.”


	2. A Familiar and Strange Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Avoiding his problems becomes less realistic when James takes on his first trip to Hogwarts and night spent there as an assistant-professor. Luckily, he's got Teddy by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! As promised, I will be updating weekly. This chapter is mainly setting up the rest of the story, so it's not my favorite that I've written, but I hope you all enjoy, nonetheless! Thank you to anyone who left kudos when I released the first chapter, I appreciate it so much!  
> Please let me know your thoughts, criticisms, advice, and what you enjoyed (if you did enjoy anything) in the comments!

Returning to Hogwarts felt suddenly daunting once James was at Platform Nine and Three Quarters. It was meant to feel like going home; it did, in a way, but it felt like going home stuck in a stranger’s body, knowing your surroundings but still being out of place, all the same.

James had stayed at Teddy’s flat for the last week, where he had spent most of his time both dreading and anticipating his arrival at Hogwarts. Teddy had assured him that he had nothing to worry about, but as James watched the children and teens gather and greet each other before boarding, he was reminded of how much trouble _he_ had been as a teen. How could he expect things to go smoothly, when he knew- from first-hand experience- how determined students were to disrespect their professors? Even more so, the barely-graduated assistant-professors?

James wondered if he’d see Al or Lily- Teddy had written to his parents about the position, so he was sure that his siblings must be aware, as well- but he hoped he wouldn’t. James had bragged to his brother and sister for weeks after the Montrose Magpies scouted him. He’d want to melt into the ground and disappear if they saw for themselves just how far he had fallen. If he were lucky, Teddy would lead him onto the professor’s compartments before James would have to see anyone he recognized.

Unfortunately, James’ luck had deserted him long ago.

From across the platform, a cloud of red hair spotted him- _Rose Weasley_. James hadn’t even taken encounters with his cousins into consideration. He was rather close with Rose- she was his favorite cousin, although he wouldn’t admit that- but that didn’t make James any less uncomfortable for one of his relatives to see him. James tried to cover his face with his hand as the wisp of a girl sped towards him, but to no avail; Rose flung her arms around his torso in a tight hug. “Jamie!”

James politely patted her back, and the plucky girl released her embrace. He could hear Teddy chuckling to his left- whether that was because of the uncomfortable hug or the use of ‘Jamie’, he wasn’t sure- and James felt his face become warm. Not to be rude, but hoping she would leave before any other of his relatives would come rushing over after her, James said, “Uhm, hello, Rose.”

Rose frowned. Of course, because James usually would call his cousin ‘Rosie’; he didn’t feel like employing that nickname in front of Teddy, who seemed to already find ‘Jamie’ amusing. Rose’s frown faded into a large, toothy grin within moments. “Are you _really_ here for to teach? Lily wrote to me about it, but I didn’t believe a word of it!”

Of course, Lily would do something of the sort; she could never keep news to herself. James hoped he wasn’t red, but he could feel his cheeks becoming warm. “Well, sort of, I’ll be Ted’s teaching assistant.” James muttered in response, running a self-conscious hand through his black hair.

Rose’s freckly face broke out into a wide grin. “You’ll give me good marks, right? Teddy’s _so_ sour about giving extra points, but I’m family, so I reckon I deserve some O’s…” She kept talking, delving into a passionate rant, but James wasn’t completely listening; he was sharing eye contact with Teddy as they both restrained their laughter. Rose’s rhetoric was often amusing, but James was more amused at the idea of Teddy being a stern professor. Teddy mouthed, _“She’s exaggerating.”_

James mouthed back, _“Doubt it.”_

Teddy was seemingly about to respond, but Rose’s voice raised and caused them both to refocus. “…And my essay was actually the best in the class, but Teddy- oh, sorry, I meant _Professor Lupin_ , still gave me only an E. Bloody unfair, if you ask me.” She finished.

James mouthed to Teddy, _“Only an E?”_ causing Teddy to break his restraint and laugh heartily. Rose’s eyebrows raised in confusion at his laughter, but James was entranced. Teddy had the oddest laugh, scratchy and loud, while his voice was smooth and mellow.

“I’ll pay more attention when scoring your work, then, Rose.” Teddy said, once his laughter faded. “But if you have any further complaints, I’ll take them once we’re at Hogwarts. James and I have to be boarding in a moment.” James sighed in relief; Teddy was telling her to leave before anyone else- like Al, Lily, or even worse, James’ parents- noticed them talking and decided to come over.

Rose groaned. “Oh, alright, Professor.” She hugged James once more. She had a tight grip; she nearly knocked the air out of James. “See two at Hogwarts.” Rose began to walk away, presumably back to wherever her parents and brother were, or perhaps her school friends, but called back to them, “Remember, Jamie, extra points!”

James smiled and nodded in false agreement. Teddy hit his arm lightly, his brown eyebrow raised, but his mouth in a friendly, close-lipped grin. “Don’t encourage her.”

“Let’s board, before you promise any other of my students good marks.” Teddy said sarcastically, pointing a finger to the train as he hoisted his bag over his arm. James followed him onto the Hogwarts Express, dragging his own travel bag behind him. Inside their box of the train, it was near identical to the student’s section, but with wider compartments without sliding doors to separate them. James recalled his first year, the first time he had boarded the Hogwarts Express. He hadn’t been nervous at all; he was sure he would be sorted into Gryffindor, sure he’d be the best in Flying class, sure he’d make tons of friends. Now, his hand shook with fear at the thought of returning, and the uncertainty of what his position would entail. _How the mighty have fallen,_ thought James as he walked down the train with Teddy.

Teddy led James towards one of the open compartments, putting his bag on the overhead rack, then taking James’ and doing the same for him. James felt himself grimace. _Does he think I’m completely incompetent?_ He chastised himself for his thoughts. Of course, Teddy was just being nice.

Teddy sat on the right cushion, so James sat on the left, facing him from across. James watched as Teddy looked out the window. Outside, the train was not yet moving; students and parents talked in small and large groups, welcoming and saying farewells. Steam came from underneath the train, far too hot to create any fog on the window. A clock hung on one of the brick walls, reading _“10:55”._ But Teddy didn’t seem to be looking at anything specific that was outside the window. It was like he was looking right through everyone, everything, completely unfocused on the world around him. James was often lost in thought, but he envied what it must feel like to not have to worry about what everyone else was thinking and doing.

The silence between them was awkward. At least, it felt that way to James. Back at Teddy’s flat, for the last week, the pair had talked mindlessly about the news, weather, and their families, but there were always extended moments of quiet. _Full_ quiet, silence that held a thousand unsaid words, not meaningless, empty quiet. James felt that full quiet now. Saying the first thing that came to his mind, James started, “Rose’s always been blunt, but I didn’t realize she was like that with her teachers, too.”

Teddy turned his attention to James, his mind seemingly brought back to reality. “She makes class quite… entertaining.” He replied, the edge of his mouth twitching into a smile. _He has a lot of memorable moments from her in class_ , James thought to himself. Teddy continued, “If she applied herself a bit more, she wouldn’t need those ‘extra points’ she was talking about. Rose, she’s very bright, but not very dedicated.” 

A small laugh escaped James as he was reminded of his time at Hogwarts. “I was sort of that way, wasn’t I? But I suppose I was never smart, even when I tried.” James couldn’t remember an occasion in which he studied during his time at Hogwarts, unless Quidditch plays were included. It wasn’t that he didn’t care- well, it _was_ , in part- but that he knew it wouldn’t make a difference, either way. Even before James accepted that he was a hopeless failure (and when he still had an ego the size of Big Ben), he was sure that he was not cut out for education.

Teddy shook his head, looking James straight-on. “I never taught you, but I know you’re not stupid, James. You’re quite intuitive, actually. You just only put work into classes you cared about. And you cared about very few classes.” That was somewhat true, James recognized. He had gotten above-average marks in Flying (although that meant little to him now). But Flying never required smarts, just practice; any idiot could pass Flying class. Seeming to recall the original topic of the conversation, Teddy added, “Rose is similar, in that regard. She’s talented in Quidditch, and she excels in Muggle Studies.”

“Do you know all of your students like you know Rose?” James inquired. “Or is it because our families are… close?” That was a simplistic way of stating the relation, but true, nonetheless. Teddy used to come over often when they were younger, back when he was still in Hogwarts and dating James’ cousin, Victoire; he and Rose weren’t particularly close, but it made sense to James if Teddy would take a specific interest in her education.

Teddy pondered the question for a moment, then shrugged slightly. “I like to think so, but some are harder to get through to than others. Albus, for instance. One of the most advanced that I’ve taught, but he’s secretive about his ambitions.”

James nodded. “Sounds like Al.” His brother was never one for socializing, especially with family. From what James could tell, Al only ever confided in his Malfoy friend. James hadn’t the faintest idea of what Al aspired to be outside of Hogwarts, or why he took Transfiguration still after passing his O.W.Ls. James’ eyebrows involuntarily raised. “He still takes Transfiguration, doesn’t he?” His words came out in an annoyed groan; it was a question, but he was already sure of the answer.

Teddy chuckled, clearly taking James’ annoyance as a joke. “Yes, he does. Don’t give him any unawarded good marks, either.”

A lump built in James’ throat. “You don’t need to worry about me giving any extra points.” He mumbled, just as the wheels on the train began to churn.

If any Potter brother would be needing special treatment, it wasn’t Albus.

. . .

After a lengthy ride- truly lengthy to James, who had forgotten that the ride would take until nightfall to complete- Teddy and James got onto a staff carriage, which would carry them the rest of the way to Hogwarts. In the carriage, three other staff members sat with James and Teddy. While Teddy begun to chat with the group, James peered out the carriage’s open window; partially because he hated awkward small talk- especially with people who likely remembered him only as a menace-, partially because he wanted to see the view of Hogwarts.

It looked spellbinding, as it always did, with its stature and the golden light emitting from the windows. But even with its large scale and medieval décor, it looked smaller than it usually did to James. After seeing Quidditch stadiums, tourist attractions, and ancient relics from around the United Kingdom, the Scottish castle was no longer an anomaly in its grandness. James had seen other castles that could compare on scale, and he’d seen plenty that could give Hogwarts a run for its money as far as beauty goes.

Hogwarts was familiar, but different at the same time; everything looked the same, but the quality of it was newly diminished. Although, there was something unique to the building that had remained constant, even with all of James’ traveling and dalliances into luxury life. Hogwarts had a way of making everyone- the students, the teachers, the guests- all experience a distinct feeling of _home,_ which no other structure could compare to.

. . .

Once inside of Hogwarts, James followed Teddy towards the Great Hall. James’ stomach felt like it had dropped to his feet. Thoughts rushed around in his mind, making his temples pulse and his head feel like it was weighted down with stones. _What are people going to say when I walk in? Will they talk about my failed Quidditch season? Or about how the son of Harry Potter is a complete disgrace? Will me being here embarrass Lily, or Al? What if Headmistress McGonagall introduces me as the new staff-member? Merlin, I hope McGonagall doesn’t introduce me…_

James’ focus on his worries caused him to trip. Teddy caught him just in time; James didn’t have the time to say “thank you” as Teddy immediately said, “Are you alright?”

“I’m really tired.” James mumbled, spewing out the first excuse to avoid dinner that his mind stumbled upon. It was quite the lame excuse; he had slept for much of the ride on the Hogwarts Express, and Teddy surely had enough sense to see that he was well-rested. “I think I’ll just head to sleep for tonight, if that’d be alright?” James inquired, mentally crossing his fingers that the sorting ceremony wasn’t mandatory for assistant-professors.

Teddy nodded slowly, looking concerned for James, which only made him feel guilty that he lied about being spontaneously tired. “Alright. Here’s the keys to your room- right to the left of the Transfiguration classroom.” He handed James a small, rusty key with an unornate handle. James clutched it in his hand.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then? Early, I suppose?” James asked, already positioning himself to hurry to his bedroom.

“We’ll have to set up before the students arrive, so yes, quite early.” Teddy smiled- another closed-mouth smile- and gave a singular wave. James waved back- a little too energetically at first, so he slowed himself down to appear exhausted- and turned away from Teddy and the entrance to the Great Hall, heading back down the hallway.

James diverted his face from the students walking past in the opposite direction, hoping that no one he knew would recognize him before class, so an informal- and likely awkward- discussion could be avoided. He walked close to the side of the hallway, trying to stay out of the passing crowd’s way. Apparently, he hadn’t been trying hard enough; someone pushed him lightly, causing him to bump into the wall. It didn’t hurt, but the intention of it bothered James enough for him to whip around and see what prick had pushed him. Unfortunately, it was a prick that he was all-too familiar with.

Al stood in front of him, his arms crossed. The rest of the students continued to be herded into the Great Hall, aside from a pasty, platinum-haired teen who James recognized as Scorpius Malfoy. Al looked slightly older than he remembered- James hadn’t seen him up close since the last winter, and his black hair had grown a few inches- but he looked _much_ angrier. “You’re actually here?” Al asked, the annoyance clear in his tone. “I thought that letter Professor Lupin sent to Mum was some sort of joke.”

In an attempt to end the conversation before it could begin, James tried to sound mature as he said, “You should really get to the Great Hall with the rest of the students—”

“Are you honestly trying to pretend that you’re a professor?” Al rolled his eyes. James suddenly wished that he hadn’t said anything at all. “If this is some kind of sick joke to ruin my seventh year, I swear to Merlin, I’ll never forgive you.” James’ mouth worked hard to not drop open. _Al thinks that low of me?_ James questioned. He supposed he used to rag on Al a bit, but he wasn’t nearly cruel enough, or dedicated enough, to get a job just to mess with his brother. Certainly, Al had to know that.

“It’s not, Al, I swear.” James said, hoping he sounded as genuine as he felt, but Al’s piercing gaze didn’t waver. He sighed. “I know you’re in Ted’s class, but I’ll stay out of your way as much as possible.”

Al narrowed his eyes. His Malfoy friend looked rather uneasy as Al said, “You’re already in my way.”

. . .

After his uncomfortable- but thankfully, short- conversation with his brother, James lied in his bed, staring at the ceiling for at least an hour. His room was small, much smaller than Teddy’s flat, but large enough for the few belongings he had brought. The bed was comfortable, as was his pillow, but he was too uneasy to appreciate it.

His talk with Al could’ve been worse. Al could’ve brought up James’ failed career, or they could’ve gotten into one of their infamous brotherly screaming-wars. But it had been bad enough on its own. Al’s last words kept replaying in James’ mind. “ _You’re already in my way. You’re already in my way. You’re already in my way.”_ He didn’t take the job with the intention of annoying Al. In fact, he hoped he wouldn’t see either of his siblings at all. Of course, Al had come to a much different conclusion about James’ intentions; in Al’s melodramatic mind, James was always the villain.

James silently promised himself that he’d remedy his relationship with Al when Teddy slowly opened the door. James sat up, and Teddy looked surprised to see that he was awake. “Your hair,” James said, sounding drowsier than he thought that he would.

Teddy ran a hand through his newly light-brown hair. James was aware that he could change his appearance at will, but Teddy had worn his hair teal for as long as he could remember. “I like to be a little more professional sometimes,” Teddy spoke, his voice a mere whisper. He was careful to be quiet, James noticed, because he’d thought that James had just awoken from a nap. “And I like surprising the first-years by changing the color during the first lesson.” James chuckled as Teddy took a seat on the edge of his bed, near where his legs lied. Teddy continued, “I brought you some food.”

Noticing the plate of roast beef and a side of Yorkshire pudding that Teddy was holding, James held out his hands to grab for it. He sat up straighter, taking controlled bites of the meal. It wasn’t cold, nor warm, but it tasted as savory and filling as James remembered.

Teddy watched him eat for a moment, then asked, “Were you having trouble sleeping?”

“No, not at all.” James said, in between bites of his dinner. “I’m just not used to the comfort of a real bed after sleeping on your couch for a week.”

Teddy laughed, still quietly, for James’ sake. “Well, tomorrow’s our first lesson, so get lots of sleep. I’ll be just down the hall if you need me, for anything.” He got up from James’ bed, preparing to leave.

“Thanks, Ted.” James replied. The assurance of Teddy being nearby was good to hear, but his nerves for the upcoming classes were still present. “Hey, uh,” James started, causing Teddy to stop before opening the door to leave. “Is the staff allowed firewhiskey?”

He hadn’t been joking, but Teddy let out a scratchy laugh. His laugh faded as he noticed James’ unflinching expression. Teddy still appeared amused as he replied, “Technically, no, but a shot before marking the first year’s essays is _highly_ recommended.”

James sighed, wishing he could get blasted like he used to. A couple- or a dozen- drinks after a game was customary in professional Quidditch, although James had begun to drink quite a lot most every time that he felt especially nervous. James supposed he would have to drop that habit, as being a professor-in-training at Hogwarts was infinitely different than being a lawless Quidditch star.

Although his hand was already on the doorknob, Teddy paused before twisting it open. “Being nervous is completely normal.” He smiled slightly, reassuring him with a look of surety. “But we’ll take it slow, alright? I wouldn’t make you do a lecture on the first day. So, no need for firewhiskey, just be yourself and take my advice.”

With that last bit of encouragement, Teddy left, silently closing the door behind him. James put his unfinished food aside and lied back down, staring at the ceiling once more. Like Teddy said, he’d be sure to follow his advice, but he was much less sure about being himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts in the comment box! Thank you for reading!


	3. The Significance of Touch and the Death of Worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James nervously faces his first class with Teddy by his side, but his first day back at Hogwarts presents him with a realization, underlying feelings, and newfound hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a bit of everything that will be important later in the story. Quite a few plot threads will be introduced, so I hope everyone enjoys! Thank you to everyone who left kudos and comments on my previous chapter!  
> By the way- my previous update date was every Thursday, but it has been moved to every Saturday. I will be updating just as frequently, but Saturday makes more sense with my schedule.  
> Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

James’ first day as a professor-in-training began with a warm morning. It was twenty-one minutes before his first class, and the sun was fully up, blocked from entering the classroom by the lowered drapes. He could still feel the warmth of the day, even without the full blast of the sunlight; it would have been a comfortable heat on his skin, but James’ distracting attire kept him from noticing any semblance of comfort. He wore a white button-up, caramel-colored vest, a deep brown blazer, and matching, deep brown trousers. It was the most formally that he had dressed in a while. When picking out his clothes for his first day, he couldn’t remember what his teachers when he attended Hogwarts, so he sprung for the most professional he could manage. Unfortunately, most professional also meant most uncomfortable. The trousers itched, and he wore far too many heavy layers on his upper body.

As he straightened out the desks in the Transfiguration classroom, he snuck an envious look at Teddy, who was distractedly rummaging through papers on his desk. Although he still wore his normally edgy, teal hair in a far more workplace-appropriate mousey brown, his outfit was less than professional. He wore a leather jacket decorated with pins over a neon green band tee, along with loose blue jeans and black combat boots. Teddy looked more ready for a Weird Sisters reunion concert than for teaching a Transfiguration lesson. But, somehow, it seemed perfectly appropriate on Teddy; James was sure he looked as out-of-place as he felt in his professor get-up.

The desk that James was straightening made a screeching noise against the floor as he pushed it too hard. He swore under his breath; Teddy and his cool jacket had distracted him. Teddy looked up from the papers he was sorting. “Alright there, James?”

James nodded at first, but then spoke, “Just a little nervous.”

Teddy got up from his desk, walking towards the opposite end of the classroom where James stood. “We only have two class periods today.” He reassured, pushing the desk back into place. “Seventh years first, third years third.”

_Seventh years first, third years third. Seventh years first. Seventh years._ Suddenly, James felt more than “just a little” nervous. Seeing Al, right after he’d been confronted by him, was the last thing he wanted to do. James held his head in his hands; he could feel sweat on his forehead. “Why didn’t you tell me?!” He exclaimed.

Teddy’s bold eyebrows raised in confusion at James’ tone. Even with his frustration, James could understand the ridiculousness of his question, but it didn’t make him any less annoyed.

“I’m… sorry?” Teddy said, still confused, but somehow genuine in his apology.

James let out a sigh of his leftover frustration. It was hard to be angry with Teddy when he sounded so apologetic. “It’s just…” He almost lied on impulse- something stupid, like how seventh years were more difficult as students- but he decided that there was no good reason to. “I’m worried about seeing Al, that’s all. I don’t think he’s too fond about me being here.”

Teddy thought for a quick moment. “Albus and you have always been at odds, haven’t you?” It was a question, but Teddy said it with the finality of a statement.

That startled James. He hadn’t realized others saw them like that, but Teddy wasn’t wrong. They were always bickering, always at each other’s throats. There were hardly any moments between them that weren’t volatile. James wasn’t sure when him and Al became unspoken rivals. Perhaps it was when Al became a teenager, and more closed-off, or when James became Hogwarts’ most popular seeker. Or maybe they’d never been friends.

Teddy’s words took James out of his thoughts. “It won’t be a problem in the classroom, though, I can assure you.” He stood up straight, bringing up the drapes with a swish of his wand, letting light and heat flow in through the window. “You’ll just be observing me teach, and I’ll introduce you to the students. Maybe I’ll have you shush the talkative ones. But that’s all for today. Sounds good?”

James nodded in response. None of that sounded terribly difficult, at all. But it wasn’t the tasks that worried him, as much as a classroom of teens that were his underclassmen just over a year ago. From the magazine covers and games with hundreds in the audience, they had to know about his old job, and they had to know that he was here because of how badly he played. Teens loved to whisper, to gossip, to joke, and James wasn’t sure if he was prepared to handle that.

Evidently, he didn’t have time to prepare; soon enough, the first of the students began to pour in. James didn’t recognize many of the students. Of course, he spotted Al- with his friend, like always- and Rose. While sulky Al sat in one of front desks, just to the left of Malfoy, Rose walked to the front of the classroom, where James was standing by Teddy’s desk. She was smiling brightly; clearly, she was more excited about this than James was. She stretched out her arms for a hug, but- seemingly remembering her surroundings- settled for a loose handshake. “I didn’t see you at the Welcoming Feast. Did something happen?”

James bit his lip. He had been too overwhelmed by his nerves to even enter the Great Hall, but that would be too embarrassing to let on. “I was just a bit exhausted. Didn’t miss anything interesting, did I?”

Rose frowned. “Not much. One first-year tripped on his way to the Hufflepuff table, but it was more sad than funny.” She shrugged, bored by the memory. “I bet you’d get a good laugh out of it, though.” She patted James’ shoulder, her hand light like a pixie. She turned around quickly- James almost got a mouthful of her frizzy, ginger locks- and left to take a seat at the back of the classroom.

James crossed his arms. Surely, saying that was just one of Rose’s oddities. He was a grown man now; he didn’t find children falling amusing. _But I would’ve been laughing the loudest when he was a student, wouldn’t I?_ James wondered. _I was different, then._ He decided; he hadn’t become familiar with the taste of failure that forces you to humble yourself.

James sat down at a chair beside Teddy’s desk, watching the rest of the students take their seats. It was a large class- all the seats were full- but that was to be expected. He presumed it was the only class comprised of only seventh years. Not very many students bothered to get their N.E.W.Ts in such a difficult course like Transfiguration.

Once everyone was seated (after a fair amount of convivial chats between each other), Teddy stood up from his desk and clapped his hands together. “Welcome, everyone, to your seventh year! You’ve all come so far. You should feel incredibly accomplished.” As Teddy talked, he strolled between the desks. He was so casual with his motions, yet he managed to retain the attention of the students. Even the easily-bored Rose and easily-annoyed Al. “But not _too_ accomplished, because you still have to take your N.E.W.Ts.”

Everyone groaned- Rose the loudest. James chuckled under his breath. Everything seemed so daunting, back then, he remembered. Teddy laughed at their collective reaction, catching the dwindling attention of the students. “I know, I know, they call it _Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Tests_ for a reason. But if you all pay attention, study hard- no need to roll your eyes, Rose- and try your best, you should pass with no problem.”

Rose, from the back of the classroom, raised her hand in a loose gesture. Teddy sighed. “Yes, Rose?”

“Can you just pass me now? I already know the all the conjuring spells.” She twisted her curly hair with her wand, slouching back in her chair.

Teddy shook his head immediately. Rose was quite a slacker, James noticed, but she wasn’t lying about being advanced. She was the best- out of all his cousins- at spells, no matter how little attention she paid during class. Her natural talent was undeniable; though, her effort could use a bit of work.

“Afraid that’s against protocol, Rose. But if you are so confident, you’ll have no problem with the lesson plan today. We’ll be reviewing the Bird-Conjuring Charm we practiced last year.” Teddy said, and while most students slumped further down in their chairs, Rose sat up straighter and gave a self-assured grin.

Another student raised their hand. A blond Gryffindor boy that James vaguely recognized; he’d tried out for the Quidditch team every year when James had been captain. He’d never once made the team; he was an alright Chaser, but nothing compared to the others who tried out.

“Question, Owen?” Teddy said. James nodded slightly, to himself. _Owen_ did sound familiar.

Owen responded, “Why is James Potter here? Visiting Slytherin Potter?”

‘Slytherin Potter’ was an odd way to address Al, but odder was the way Owen said it like a slur. Al shot him a glare, and Owen smirked in response. James watched intently as Al’s friend, Scorpius, grabbed Al’s forearm. The motion seemed to instantly calm Al; it was like they spoke through touch, so close that they didn’t need words to communicate.

Noticing the tension, Teddy spoke loudly as he responded. “Mr. Potter is here as my assistant professor. He’ll be just observing for the first few weeks, then assisting with teaching. I trust you’ll all be respectful.”

Owen rolled his narrowed eyes. “ _James_ didn’t even get N.E.W.Ts in Transfiguration, did he? So, why’s he here to teach?” The rest of the students looked taken aback by the question, or, perhaps, the forwardness of it. Rose was gripping the sides of her desk, resisting the urge to shoot up from her seat and confront the boy. James looked at the ground, not sure how he was meant to react. It was a valid question, of course, but the accuracy of it bothered James. _I really have no business being here, do I?_ He thought, tugging at his earlobe. At the same time, he wanted to cast the Silencing Charm on the boy’s indignant mouth.

“ _Mr. Potter_.” Teddy corrected the Gryffindor, with an edge to his voice that wasn’t present previously. “Like I said, I trust you’ll all be respectful.” He finished, pointedly directing his statement towards Owen, whose lowered brows indicated his annoyance.

“Yeah, Owen, shut it!” Rose insisted, glaring daggers at him.

Teddy took in a deep breath. “No need to reprimand my students for me, Rose.” He released the breath, his eyes closed. When he opened them, the edge to his voice and the irritation in his gaze left at once. James watched his self-control in awe.

Teddy turned to James, wearing a friendly expression. “Mr. Potter, would you like to introduce yourself to the class?”

James wanted to reply, _“No,”_ but he didn’t think that was a viable option. He bit his tongue and stood up from his chair, feeling all eyes in the classroom drift towards him. It was like being on the Quidditch pitch, catching sight of the snitch, and trying desperately to catch it as the entire stadium redirected their focus on you.

“Uhm, hello, everyone.” _Merlin, how stupid do I sound…_ James wondered as he attempted to continue. “Uh, Mr. Potter’s rather formal.” _But it does sound quite nice when Teddy says it._ “I’m alright with James. Potter’s more my dad’s name, isn’t it…?” His last words faded into a mumble as he noticed Al’s intense glare. It was like he could see through James’ attempts at normalcy, that he could see all his worry. James suddenly felt more inferior than he already did. “And, uh, yeah, I’m not too well-versed in Transfiguration, but I’m well-versed in, uh… being a student, you know, a teen, and… Well, I’m here to learn, too. So, hopefully, by the end of the school year, we’ll both have learned something… from each other. Yeah.” James finished. The utter silence of the room was unnerving, but Rose smiled and gave him a thumbs-up that made him grin.

“Well said,” Teddy said, giving James a genuine smile. The grin faded from James’ lips as he suddenly felt far too awkward to smile back. Luckily, Teddy turned back to face the students quickly. “Back to the lesson; Rose, would you like to come up here and demonstrate the Bird-Conjuring Charm?”

. . .

For the rest of the seventh-years class, James sat off Teddy’s desk and watched him teach. Rose performed the conjuring charm exceedingly well; she conjured seven yellow birds with the nonverbal spell. The rest of the students followed suit; Al’s birds were the most impressive after Rose’s, Scorpius’ were quite good (if not a little weak-winged), and the Gryffindor, Owen, struggled to conjure one. All throughout, Teddy walked around the classroom, analyzing their work, and providing advice. He gave ten points to Gryffindor for Rose’s work, and ten to Slytherin for Al’s.

James couldn’t help but smile when he watched Teddy teach. He was sure to check in with every student, giving them helpful corrections that never sounded stern. Even with the difficulty of the lesson, Teddy’s encouragement was able to keep them going. Most everyone completed the review successfully.

At the end of the period, as the students begun to get up to leave, Teddy announced, “Have a good day! No homework, but don’t get too comfortable with that—”

“Don’t have to worry about me, Professor!” Rose said to Teddy, before approaching James near the desk. “You were good, Jamie! I mean, you didn’t really do much, but I like the outfit.” James cringed at the mention of his “professional” ensemble. “And don’t pay attention to Owen. He’s a prick.” She added, exaggeratingly rolling her eyes.

“Probably shouldn’t use that language in front of a staff member.” James joked.

Rose giggled. “Okay, _Mr. Potter_.”

She began to head out the classroom, waving on her way out. James saw Al and his friend leaving, as well, and he almost stopped him. But he had no idea what he would say if he did. “Sorry.” _For what?_ “Good work, today.” _Couldn’t be more patronizing._ “Me being here wasn’t too bad, was it?” _I already know how he’d answer that, and it’s not what I want to hear._

Once the students were all filed out, Teddy approached James. He stood beside him, his hands in his pockets, his eyes grinning. “You know, I agree with Rose. I like the outfit, too.” James was surprised by Teddy’s compliment; he hadn’t realized that he’d overheard them talking, or that he’d noticed James’ clothes. “Professional. Quite dapper.”

James’ face felt like fire, but he wasn’t sure if that was due to the heat of the classroom or the warmth of the compliment.

. . .

Observing the third years’ class was much less stressful. James didn’t know any of the third years, and they were all rather respectful- aside from a very talkative Ravenclaw girl, but her comments were more amusing than offensive- and he quite liked watching Teddy teach; James felt like he was already learning a lot about teaching.

Afterwards, James followed Teddy to the library. They sat together at one of the wooden tables; while Teddy mapped out his lesson plans on a piece of parchment, James flipped through a copy of _A Beginner’s Guide to Transfiguration_. The Gryffindor boy had been right; James wasn’t qualified to assist a Transfiguration course, so he might as well relearn the basics.

He was only a few pages into the textbook, but plenty of words and incantations were already confusing him. “Hey, Ted, what’s with the exception to ‘Gamp’s Law of Elemental Transfiguration’?” James asked, holding out the book in front of Teddy and pointing to the phrase.

Teddy examined the page, his brown eyes scanning the words. “Well, it states that good food cannot be created from nothing. So, for example, while a flock of birds can be conjured out of thin air, food cannot.”

James squinted at the textbook. “If that’s true, where does the food in the Great Hall come from?”

“It’s summoned, not conjured.” Teddy carefully explained, scooting his seat closer to James so that they could both see the book. “The food isn’t made out of thin air, it’s made in the kitchens, then summoned into the Great Hall.”

“Oh,” James muttered, pretending not to be distracted by the small distance between them. “And what about the other exceptions…” James started as Teddy moved a finger to the page, underlining the words with his touch. Gently, James held onto Teddy’s finger, guiding it to the part of the text that he had been referring to. He reached the words, but James held on for a moment longer, wondering why touching Teddy had an awkward, invisible barrier that touching other friends didn’t.

Teddy looked at him, his warm brown eyes a mirage of gold light and deep shadows. James was never sure what he was thinking; Teddy had two expressions he’d give to him- friendly, and a neutral look that masked any indication of emotion, any signal of feeling. But with either expression, he always looked at him in the eyes, as if _he_ knew every passing sentence and image that crossed James’ mind.

James dropped his hand. Teddy dropped his eye contact.

. . .

Thirty-minutes of weighted silence later, James and Teddy still sat in the library. It was evening now; the hot touch of the sunlight was gone, making James more comfortable, but a lot less warm.

The library was sparsely populated; only a few students roamed the shelves. Bored of _A Beginner’s Guide to Transfiguration,_ James plopped his head down on the wooden table and enjoyed the quiet of the lonely library. He closed his eyes, giving in to the silence of the room and the emptiness of his thoughts.

Something slammed down on the table, forcing James’ eyes open and his head to spring up. A large book lied in front of him, and Al and the Malfoy boy stood behind it. James blinked. He looked to Teddy, who- to James’ relief- appeared to be as confused as he was.

Malfoy cleared his throat, running a poised hand through his white-blond hair. “It’s _A Guide to Advanced Transfiguration_.”

James looked from Al’s friend, to Al, then back to Al’s friend. Al stood slightly behind his friend, his arms crossed and his eyes making a great effort to look away. His Malfoy friend looked more naturally aloof. “Um,” James mumbled. “Thanks?”

“The _Beginner’s Guide_ is good for teaching first years, but the _Advanced Guide_ is N.E.W.T level.” Malfoy said, looking to an unresponsive Al for assistance. “I… Well, _we_ thought it might help you with our class.” Al didn’t react to the use of “we”; rather, he tugged at his friend’s robe in a motion to leave. But Malfoy continued, “I’m Scorpius, by the way.”

“I know,” James said, though he often forgot his name. “Of course, I know, you’re my brother’s best mate.” _Only_ mate would also be fitting, but James didn’t want to be snarky. “Thanks for the book, I’ll likely be needing it…” His voice trailed off as he noticed Al dragging his friend away.

The pair sat a few wooden tables over, talking in hushed voices. Al looked angry, but one second of speaking with Scorpius later, his scowl faded. Clearly, Al hadn’t wanted Scorpius to talk to James. That realization came quickly to James, who wondered if he and his brother would ever be friends. It seemed like Scorpius was the only person Al could stand being around.

Teddy whispered to James, “Scorpius is quite nice. And a dedicated student.”

James nodded, and watched as Al and Scorpius lean over the same book. Their shoulders touched, and he noticed Al blush when Scorpius’ hand brushed his as he moved to turn the page. _Oh._ James thought. _Oh._ It suddenly dawned on James how the two of them could talk without talking, how Scorpius could calm Al with no effort, why they were so close.

“Merlin, they’re dating!” James whisper-yelled, accidentally saying his thought aloud.

A quiet laugh escaped from Teddy. “Not that I know everything about the gossip of students, but I don’t think so.”

“Look at them! They _have_ to be…” James stopped himself as he subtlety watched the two of them for a moment more. Al was blushing, yes- his face was beet red- but there was no surety to his blush. He turned his face when Scorpius would look at him, purposely avoiding his friend noticing the red of his face. It was a nervous blush. James was suddenly entirely certain of his second conclusion: Al and Scorpius weren’t dating, but Al _fancied_ him.

James wasn’t quite sure what to do with that information, but he knew he’d try to help his brother if he got the chance. With how bad things have been between the brothers as of late, James would take any opportunity to remedy his damaged relationship with Al.

. . .

The next morning, James arrived early at the Transfiguration classroom. He’d spent the rest of his night studying _A Beginner’s Guide to Transfiguration_ and bits of the book Scorpius had given him, _A Guide to Advanced Transfiguration_. Most of the topics he read about just refreshed his memory of what he’d learned at Hogwarts, but a few pieces of information were completely new to him. How Teddy managed to have so much of this complex information memorized, James couldn’t comprehend.

Teddy wasn’t yet in the classroom; James had arrived a bit earlier than he had the previous morning, completely on accident. His sleep schedule had never been consistent, especially with the ever-changing scheduling of his old Quidditch games.

As James looked around the classroom for something to occupy his time, he noticed a beige flower resting on the edge of Teddy’s desk. Approaching it closer, James saw that a red ribbon was attached to the flower, and that it wasn’t a _real_ flower, but one made from folding parchment. And not just folded to look like any flower- but a _lily_. He picked up the parchment flower, pulling the red ribbon, which caused the flower to unfold into a flat piece of parchment.

James smiled to himself. Creative magic like this was familiar.

The piece of parchment had text written on it, in swishy, loose handwriting. _Can’t wait for my class on Friday! Love you more than chocolate frogs, J! Lots of love, your favorite sibling._

Looking at the note that his little sister, Lily, had taken the time to write, James’ perspective shifted. He hadn’t spoken with his sister in so long, but unlike Al, she missed him, and she was excited for her class. For once, he anticipated the days to come. Not with worry, but with an emotion much more rare- hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter was enjoyable to read! It was a bit of a struggle to write as there were many concepts I had to introduce, but I hope I did so successfully. Sorry if it wasn't the *most* interesting, but I'm very excited to publish next week's update!  
> Let me know your thoughts in the comment box! :)


	4. False Smiles and Fortified Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is excited to reunite with his sister, Lily, but is mystified by her strange behavior. Later, he faces his fear of flying as well as false accusations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had to be split into TWO chapters due to how long it ended up being, so apologies if the pacing seems off! The next chapter (the "part two" of this chapter) will be uploaded next week.  
> My break is nearly complete, so my updating may become a bit more random in the future, but I'll let you know in advance before my schedule changes.  
> ALSO: I will be publishing both on ao3 and on fanfiction.net now! My fanfiction.net user is alrightyaph.  
> Hope everyone enjoys! HUGE thanks to everyone who left kudos and comments on previous chapters!

James’ weekdays as an assistant-professor seemed to pass considerably faster than they had when he was a student. It was already Friday, but he couldn’t comprehend how the time had passed like the flick of a wand. The quickness of the week could likely be attributed to the limited amount of work he had to do- after all, he had only been observing classes, rather than doing any teaching- but James liked to think it was because he was having fun. Not the loud, uncontrollable fun of an afterparty of a Quidditch game, but the quiet amusement of watching the first years’ jaws drop at Teddy changing his hair color, or of seeing the odd results of the fourth years’ attempts to turn porcupines into pincushions.

Unfortunately, time seemed entirely too slow as James sat through the sixth year’s first period class. Lily’s class was next, and he couldn’t be bothered to focus on the Human Transfiguration lecture. He tapped his foot repeatedly on the wood floor, chewing absentmindedly on the tip of his quill. By the end of the class, his quill’s tip was completely blunt. James sighed, lying his head on Teddy’s desk, continuing his foot-tapping as the sixth years filed out the classroom.

Teddy approached the desk, scratching his now-teal, tousled hair. Eyeing James’ foot, he said, “Need to cut down on the caffeine?”

Pushing his coffee cup away from his reach, James made a conscious effort to stop his tapping. “It’s not the coffee, I’m just… excited, I suppose. Haven’t seen Lily in so long.” Last he’d spoken to her, it was December, during Christmas, back when he was still playing Quidditch and she was still a fourth year.

Teddy moved behind his desk, saying, “She always talks about you, you know.”

James smiled to himself; of course, he knew. Lily was talkative, but James liked to think that he was one of her favorite topics. Unlike with Al, it was easy for him to get along with Lily.

James begun organizing the sixth years’ parchments, as instructed by Teddy. While looking over a particularly bad paragraph, the door swung open. His head flew up as the first of the chatty fifth years entered the classroom. Immediately, he spotted Lily- she was laughing among a gaggle of Gryffindor girls- and he stood up to greet her. She looked so much older than she had at Christmas; not only was she considerably taller, but her formerly stick-straight red hair was in elegant curls and her face was plastered with make-up, not one freckle in sight.

She seemed to notice him, too, but her walk was monotone- as was her expression. Taking her time, she strode to Teddy’s desk, where James stood. If James had been taken aback by her new look, he was much more startled by her lack of emotion. _Did I imagine the note she left me?_

Instead of spreading her arms open for a hug, Lily held up her hand. James gave her an awkward high-five, trying not to look too disappointed. Although, Lily didn’t seem to be trying in the slightest to hide her disinterest. Instead of offering a “Hi”, “I’ve missed you”, or a “Good to see you”, she coughed lightly and said, “James, this is Alys, Margot, and Tara.”

James nodded slightly, not having any idea which one was which. Her friends all varied in appearance- one had deep brown skin and piercing eyes, another had an Eastern Asian appearance and waist-length hair, and the shortest had blonde plaits- but the all wore the same, heavy make-up and bored expressions as Lily. Unlike Al’s friend, Scorpius, who James could easily recall, he couldn’t remember ever meeting any of them. Last he checked, a shy girl named Felicity was Lily’s best friend. But perhaps he was just out of the loop, as he hadn’t seen his sister in a while.

“Nice to meet you three,” he said, equally uncomfortable and dejected. James was about to continue, say something to Lily, when she turned around and left with her friends to take their seats.

A breath caught in his throat. _What had happened between Tuesday, when she gave me that nice note, to today, when she doesn’t talk to me for more than a second?_ James contemplated Lily’s disregard for him as he slumped into his seat next to Teddy’s desk. _It could’ve been Al. Maybe he told her something bad about me, to get her on his side._ He hit his own arm, reminding himself, _there’s no sides, James._ He could hear Teddy beginning the lesson- something about Vanishing Spells- but he couldn’t bring himself to focus. How easily his newfound hope had dissipated _. Perhaps Lily’s note had been a joke._ James scratched the back of his hand anxiously. _Or maybe she was just in a bad mood today._

“James, could you help me demonstrate?” Suddenly Teddy was in front of him, his expression expectant, and James was taken out of his wondering.

He nodded and stood up from his seat, taking his wand out of his belt, not the slightest bit sure of what he was meant to be demonstrating. Looking to the students, he noticed Lily watching him intently. Her focus was confusing; just a moment ago, she barely acknowledged his presence. As her attention drifted to the desk, James’ did, as well. He watched as Teddy laid a pinky-sized snail on his desk.

Teddy motioned to the animal, watching as James awkwardly hovered over it. _Snails, and… before, Teddy had mentioned Vanishing Spells._ James vaguely remembered something of the sort from his O.W.Ls, but he couldn’t recall the spell.

As if he read James’ mind, Teddy mouthed the incantation: “ _Evanesco_.”

James pointed his wand towards the tiny snail. “ _Evanesco!”_

For a moment- as a white light ignited at the tip of his wand- James was sure he had been successful in the casting of the spell. Unfortunately, when the light faded, he saw that instead of vanishing- which he assumed was the expected outcome, given the name of the spell- only the shell of the snail disappeared, making for quite a strange sight. The naked snail looked just as mystified as James felt.

The students let out muffled giggles. James felt his face grow hot, and he hoped that his embarrassed blush wasn’t obvious. He only felt worse as he noticed Lily, who wasn’t laughing, but instead covering the side of her red face and avoiding eye-contact with any of her classmates, or with James. He sighed. _Maybe the real reason she was cold to me is because she knew I couldn’t even manage a stupid Vanishing Spell_. Likely, his nerves got in the way of the accuracy of the spell, but he couldn’t be entirely sure that the failure couldn’t be attributed to his lack of skill.

Teddy whispered an incantation, which caused the shell of the snail to reappear. “Thank you, James, for displaying one of the many, varied outcomes that can be the result of this incredibly difficult spell.” He made it sound like James’ spell had been purposeful, rather than a mortifying mistake. Teddy gave the still-chuckling students a disapproving glare. “Everyone, quiet, please. The Vanishing Spell is quite tricky. It is, by far, the most difficult Transfiguration topic covered on your O.W.Ls.” Teddy pulled out his wand, aiming it at the snail. “ _Evanesco_.”

The snail disappeared- this time, completely- and the class moved their heads to look, as if to spot some sign of it once being present. Their collective amusement at James’ failed spell was now amazement. Lily’s embarrassment appeared to be completely gone as she looked forward with wide eyes. Teddy’s transfiguration skills were truly a marvel.

James slumped back into his seat and held up his head with his fist.

. . .

For the rest of the hour, Teddy- luckily- didn’t have James perform any other spells for the class. While James was grateful, he wished he didn’t have to be. Had he performed the spell correctly in the first place, he wouldn’t have had to worry about being used for another example. Of course, most of the students barely paid James any attention; the difficulty of the Vanishing Spell kept them more than focused on their work.

Before his encounter with Lily, James had worried that he would dread the end of the period. Now, he was entirely too happy to be done with the fifth years. As the teens crowded the door to escape to the halls, James collected the remaining, un-vanished snails from the students’ desks. To his relief, many of them hadn’t been able to make their snails disappear.

He plopped the snails into their glass case at the back of the classroom. He used to think snails were gross, but they looked quite cute and serene in their miniature ecosystem. James watched as two of them bumped heads and then slid slowly away from each other.

Two arms stretched around his midsection. James abruptly turned away from the snails, shocked to see that the arms were Lily’s. His relief overtook his surprise as he hugged his little sister, lifting her off the ground and spinning her like they did when they were kids.

“Oh, I’m so happy to see you!” Lily exclaimed as James put her down. Her mouth was spread into a wide smile, her green eyes glowing with joy. “You barely visited last year!” She slapped his arm jokingly.

“Yeah…” James replied without thinking, as he was so bewildered that he wasn’t exactly sure what she had said. The pit in his stomach was filled as Lily had joyfully greeted him, but her sudden change in demeanor was unexplainable. _Did I imagine her ignoring me before?_

Lily frowned at his response, asking, “Something wrong? Oh, was it that _stupid_ ‘Evanesco’ spell?” She rolled her black-lined eyes. “Don’t worry about it, it _almost_ seemed intentional. And everyone who laughed couldn’t do the spell for themselves, anyways.” James almost pointed out that her posse of friends had been giggling the loudest, but he restrained his passive-aggressive comment. Lily continued, “I have to get to Potions now, but we should do something tomorrow. Fly together, on the Quidditch Pitch.” Turning to the front of the classroom and raising her voice, she added, “Teddy, you’ll come, too!”

Looking up from his papers, Teddy grinned and offered a thumbs-up in response.

“Fly together,” James sighed. He hadn’t flown since his last game, and he had planned to never mount a broom again. The thought of flying used to make butterflies flutter in his stomach; it seemed like those butterflies were all dead now. Feigning anticipation, James said, “Yeah, sounds great, Lily.”

“Good.” Lily gave him a mischievous, Grindylow-grin and hurried out of the classroom, seemingly realizing how late she was for her following class.

Once the door shut behind her, James leaned his back against the stone wall. It took a lot out of him, but he was able to resist the urge to bang his head against it.

. . .

The next morning was warm with a slight breeze, with a bright sun but no humidity in the air. It was the perfect morning for flying. James had hoped that it would rain or be disastrously hot, so that Lily might decide that it would be best to reschedule. At least then he wouldn’t have to fly.

Having left his prized broom in the Montrose Magpies’ changing room after his unfortunate final game, James had to resort to borrowing an old Comet. He wouldn’t have been caught dead with a Comet when he played for the Magpies, but it was a suitable broom for the casual flying he’d be partaking in. Although, James suddenly did regret leaving behind his professional-grade broom when he got to the Quidditch pitch. Teddy was holding a vintage Nimbus; James couldn’t quite tell what model it was, but it didn’t matter. Any Nimbus was better than a dusty Comet. Even more disheartening, Lily was leaning against a broom that left James slack-jawed. James yelled to his sister from across the otherwise deserted pitch, “That’s a _Speedshooter_!”

Lily smiled, eyeing the sleek, deep brown of the broomstick and warm gold of its bristles. Once James had approached where she and Teddy stood, she spoke, “Yup. Impressive, huh?”

Truly, James _was_ impressed. Speedshooters had only started being manufactured for commercial sale that past year; before, they were only available to professional players. Even so, that wasn’t what stunned James. He was more impressed that she had somehow convinced their Mum and Dad to buy it for her, despite Lily not even playing on the Gryffindor team. Too in awe to fully respond, he whispered, “Woah.”

“Best on the market.” Lily said, admiring her Speedshooter. “Start with a race, shall we?”

James and Teddy both agreed. Back when their family reunions were frequent events, the Potter kids and their Weasley cousins- and, of course, Teddy- would race first, then play a friendly game of Quidditch. James’ team would win most often. But as his team would usually consist of not only him, but also Rose (who played on the Gryffindor team as a skilled Chaser) and Lily (who was small, but quick), he didn’t attribute the majority of the wins just to his ability. Although, it never really mattered what team had won; they’d all enjoy pudding together afterwards and celebrate whatever holiday they were together for. James missed those years desperately, when flying was lawless and free and held no expectations.

Lily tied her hair- which was no longer artificially curled- into a high ponytail. Already mounting her broom, she looked to Teddy, “You’re the least likely to cheat, so you’ll do the count off.”

Teddy laughed, mounting his Nimbus. “I’m not sure whether that’s a compliment or an insult.”

Grabbing the broomstick, James hesitantly mounted the Comet. It floated a few feet off the ground naturally, but he had to kick off the ground to be at the same height as Lily and Teddy. The wood of the broom felt all wrong; his old broom had been slick and perfectly smooth, while the Comet was scratchy on his palms. James was busy wishing that he had worn protective gloves when Teddy begun his count, “Five…”

Ignoring the discomfort of his prematurely blistering hands, James tightened his grip on the Comet. “Four…”

James angled his body forward, becoming completely balanced on the broom. “Three…”

He mentally reminded himself of the goal: circling around the entirety of the pitch once. “Two…”

James’ worries came tumbling in all at once. _What if I lose? Do I care if I lose? Is this race going to prove to me what I always knew- that I’m not as advanced as I wish I were? What if-_ “One!”

Leaning forward, James began to zoom by the edge of the pitch, passing the stands quick enough so that they looked like smudges of wood. The green grass was a blur, too, as well as the blue skies and the House banners. It was as if nothing else was really there, as if he were sailing through a dream that no one else could see. He wasn’t sure where Teddy or Lily were, but he couldn’t make himself care. James was flying, _really_ flying, coasting through the world without any sense of awareness.

He had forgotten this feeling, forgotten it long before he started playing for the Montrose Magpies. He had forgotten it when he was a second year, when he became the seeker for Gryffindor, when flying became a task, a spectator event, something he could be judged and ridiculed for. True flying like this- it was freedom, it was not knowing if the ground was truly there and not caring if it wasn’t. Flying was meant to be forgetting the fear of falling; James had fallen so far, but had he let go of his fear and just _flew_ , perhaps he wouldn’t have hit the ground so hard.

He steered to a stop as he approached the starting point, flying down to dismount once he had passed it. His dismount was smooth, but he let himself fall onto the grass, anyways. Laughing so hard that he had to clutch his chest, James lied on the grass and rolled onto his back.

Soon enough, he saw Lily and Teddy standing above him. Lily looked at him with raised eyebrows, awkwardly laughing along, while Teddy grinned and laid on the grass next to him. “Better than you expected?”

In between bouts of laughter, James responded, “Much.”

Seemingly not wanting to be left out, Lily lied on the ground, to the other side of James. “I’ve never seen second place make someone so hysterical.”

Still uncontrollably, unexplainably laughing, James asked, “Second? Ted won?”

Lily scowled. “ _I_ won! By a lot, mind you.”

James’ laughter faded eventually, leaving his chest aching and his throat dry. “It was so fun that I don’t even mind not winning.”

“James Sirius Potter? Not caring about winning?” Lily asked in mock-bewilderment.

“I’m actually… glad to lose, to you.” James said, surprising even himself. “You have to join the Gryffindor team, Lily. Speed like that, you’d make a great seeker.”

Lily sat up suddenly, crossing her legs and her arms. “It was just the broom.”

“You _were_ a considerable time ahead of us.” Teddy reasoned, ruffling his thick, teal hair. “Even the broom wouldn’t make that much of a difference.”

“Yeah, Lily, you’d be amazing at Quidditch.” James added as he played with a strand of grass.

“I’m can’t play Quidditch!” Lily exclaimed, her words leaving her in a half-scream. James felt his mouth fall open; her proclamation was oddly frustrated, as if they’d been insulting her instead of showering her with compliments. Seeming to notice his taken-aback expression, Lily promptly stood up, brushing the dirt off her back. “I just mean… I don’t have the time. Teddy, you know how important O.W.Ls are- I have to be studying for those, not playing some _stupid_ game.” Her response was scrambled and out of her mouth in an instant. James couldn’t be sure if she was just incredibly uncomfortable, or if his little sister was being deceitful.

Teddy stood up, retrieving his broom from its resting place on the ground. “Why don’t we race again, this time—”

He stopped mid-sentence, looking intently at one of the entrances to the Quidditch pitch. James followed his gaze, immediately standing up when he spotted what- _who_ \- Teddy was looking at.

Al was storming towards the three of them, Scorpius trailing behind. Worryingly, Al was wearing a terrifying scowl, the most intense expression that James had ever seen on him. His fists were balled, his robes flowed behind him with the wind, his pale skin beaded with sweat in the warm sunlight; he looked entirely too frightening for a teenaged boy- rather like a rogue vampire, out for blood.

As he reached the part of the field where James, Teddy, and Lily stood, he pulled out his wand, holding the tip of it under James’ chin. Trying to avoid the wand’s contact with his skin, James tilted his head up. For a lengthy moment, everyone was completely silent. The only noise was the small whistle of the wind and the rustle of the House banners. To James’ reassurance, everyone seemed equally confused by Al’s behavior; Lily clung to James’ sleeve, while Scorpius watched Al with wide eyes.

James focused on Al’s expression, trying to analyze if this was some sort of strange skit; Al had a fury that exemplified the green of his eyes, that deepened his scowl. Yet his eyebrows weren’t angled down, but raised in a contradicting confusion. He looked furious and mystified at the same time. He looked overtaken by betrayal. The emotion on his face read as completely genuine, which worried James further.

Al’s voice was shaky and fierce, near the volume of a yell. “How _dare_ you—”

James opened his mouth, but no sound came out; luckily, Teddy interrupted Al almost immediately, taking a step closer to them. “Lower your wand, Albus.” He sounded far more serious than he ever did when teaching. “Lower your wand, and we can all talk whatever this is through.”

Al lowered his wand ever so slightly, allowing James to relax his head. None of the sheer anger faded from his face. “I told you I would never forgive you- I _warned_ you—”

James held his hands up. His brain was on hardwire, trying to comprehend the situation and failing miserably. All he could manage to sputter out was, “What are you talking about?!”

Al looked to be on the verge of hexing him. “Don’t pretend you’re innocent.” He raised his chin. “You know, I didn’t expect anything all that clever from _you_ , but trashing and stealing my stuff is a bit immature, don’t you think—”

“I didn’t do anything!” James exclaimed, instinctively backing away. The reincarnated butterflies churned in circles in his stomach, making him feel nauseous. He turned his head to Teddy, “Tell him, I’ve been here all morning!”

Al didn’t let him respond. “You would’ve had enough time!” He took an intimidating step forward, closing the gap between them that James had created. “I know you, James. This is hilarious, isn’t it? Because pushover Al doesn’t ever get mad for long, and he’ll get over it soon enough, won’t he?” James suddenly felt guilty of a crime he didn’t commit. Al’s mock rhetoric did sound exactly like something he would’ve said to him before, during one of the many times he tried to justify one of his needlessly cruel pranks. “You’re going to give me back my notebook, _Reparo_ everything you broke, and then never talk to me again.”

More confusion settled into James, and the churning sped up in his stomach. He had no idea what Al was referring to, what he thought he broke or what notebook he thought he stole. Worse than confusion, somehow, he felt disappointed in himself. He knew he hadn’t done anything, but Al’s surety and commands made him feel like he had. Stuttering, James tried to rectify the situation, “Al, I promise, I didn’t do anything! I’m just here to teach, I swear.”

Al let out a laugh. A forced, dry laugh that made James feel sicker. “Go on, keep playing professor. Maybe once you outgrow your ego and your immature pranks, you’ll no longer be _terrible_ at it.”

The twisting in James’ stomach suddenly disappeared, leaving a desolate pit in its wake. As Al left the pitch- Scorpius following after- James held his head in his palms. It was like he was back on the Comet, flying through a blurry sky, then falling, falling, falling, hitting the ground with a shattering collision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you enjoyed reading!  
> Let me know your thoughts, predictions, opinions, etc. in the comment box!


	5. Bleak Recognition in a Broken Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James struggles to fix his relationship with his brother and deal with his guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit late, and a bit short, but it was a pain to edit and refine!  
> Reminder: My update day is Saturday, but it may be a day early or a day late some weeks depending on my schedule.  
> Also, I said I would be updating to fanfiction.net as well in the notes of last chapter, but that won't be happening for some time as I am struggling to figure out their system.  
> ***TW for this chapter, just to be sure***:  
> -dry heaving due to anxiety  
> -mild conversation about losing a family member  
> I don't think I wrote either of these topics explicitly, but I wanted to be absolutely sure! Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter and thanks for the kudos and comments!  
> Also- this transition: "///" indicates a flashback, in case that is not clear!

The morning light danced on the surface of the Black Lake. James watched as the shining light would come and leave with the shadows of the passing, fluffy clouds. He took a bite of his dry toast. Typically, James would eat in the Great Hall with most everyone else, but he hadn’t the stamina to entertain small talk. Sitting on the grass by the banks of the Black Lake was a much more suitable area to avoid anyone he knew.

It was Monday- two days since Al had sworn he’d never forgive him for a crime he didn’t commit- but James felt as if it had just happened. It was the only thing he could think about; every line of Al’s scowl was etched in his brain, every word he’d yelled was audible to James- as if Al were nearby, still repeating them. Even as he continued to eat his breakfast, James felt fatigued and ill. It felt like his stomach was empty and weak, but at the same time overstuffed and on the verge of throwing up.

He hadn’t spoken to anyone in the past two days. After Al’s pronouncement, Teddy had tried to talk to him on multiple occasions, but James locked himself in his room so he wouldn’t have to talk about it. He’d felt childish in doing so- like an angsty, melodramatic teenager- but avoiding an awkward conversation about Al was of more importance than putting on a false pretense of maturity.

Hearing footsteps crinkling against the stiff grass, James scooted against a nearby tree trunk, trying to avoid being seen. His attempt was to no avail; Rose’s brash voice spoke directly to him, “Thought I’d find you here,” She sat down next to him, under the shade of the tree. “Used to be our favorite ditch-spot.” James used to recall those memories fondly- the two of them, occasionally with some other friends, throwing stones to skip on the lake’s surface or playing exploding snap when they were meant to be in class- but now, he knew he had been foolish.

James thought about chastising her for not attending her Transfiguration lesson- which was surely just beginning- but as he was intentionally missing it, too, he decided that would be hypocritical. Instead, he said, “Want some toast?” James held out the remaining bit of bread out to Rose. “Warning-it’s rather cold and plenty dry.”

Rose didn’t heed his warning as she quickly took the toast, folding it and shoving it into her mouth. “Delicious,” she said in between bites, making her word sound more like “’licious”. Swallowing the toast, she leaned back against the trunk of the tree. “Heard about the whole Al thing.”

Rose’s chatter had distracted him for a moment, but at the mention of Al, James suddenly felt sickly and exhausted again. He tried to hold his hand against his near-gagging mouth as discreetly as he could, but Rose seemed to notice his discomfort. “But I’m not angry with you like he is. Lily isn’t, either.”

Her sentiment wasn’t what James had expected to hear. He had figured Rose wouldn’t be angry at him, of course- she was far closer to him than she was with Al- but the way she said it took him aback. It was like it _wasn’t_ obvious, as if Rose had her doubts about siding with James, who had always been her favorite cousin and one of her close friends. James felt himself narrowing his brows.

“Al’s being overdramatic about it, I reckon,” Rose continued, absentmindedly tearing grass out of the dirt. “I mean, I get being pissed- I would be, too- but it’s not like it’s the worst thing you’ve ever done.”

James froze. His breath caught in his throat. He almost choked on that breath as his urge to gag returned, making him sit forward and force the air out of him. Bouts of warm air left his mouth as he keeled over; an acidic taste grew in the back of his throat, making him sure that he would throw up, but only heavy breaths came out. Sweat rolled down his face as his dry heaving continued. His warm sweat instantaneously became cold as a wave of chills passed through his weakened body. James tried to sit up, tried to stop his violent breaths, but all he could do was clutch his torso.

“Jamie!” Rose exclaimed, lying her hand on his lowered back. “Lie back!” She yelled, but she pushed James back herself instead of waiting for him to move. She equipped her wand in a speedy motion and lied his head on the grass as she shouted, “ _Aquamenti!_ ”

A stream of water left the tip of Rose’s wand, straight into James’ mouth. James choked at first, but was able to swallow some of the water that Rose continued to pour. Once she stopped her spell, James shakily stabilized his arm to get himself up. His mouth, even after the water, was dry, and kept its acidic flavor. He wiped the cool sweat off his forehead with the sleeve of his shirt.

Rose put a light hand back on his back, holding him steady. “Are you okay?! What happened?”

“I—” James let the word escape him before he had any idea of what he was going to say. He felt his eyes watering from his retching. “I don’t know.”

Her red eyebrows tilted upwards in concern. Rose carefully studied his expression. “Was it the toast?”

James held his arms around his midsection. “Yeah, I think so…” He wasn’t sure if it was clear how false his statement was, but Rose seemed oblivious. “Told you it wasn’t very good…”

Rose laughed lightly in relief. “You had me worried, there.” She blinked. “You don’t think I’ll almost-barf, too?”

It took the last remainder of James’ limited energy to muster a small chuckle. “If you’re lucky. Much better than actually barfing.” Rose smiled and nodded, but James knew he was lying. The pain in his chest, stomach, and throat were all much worse than any feeling of actually barfing that he could recall.

As Rose began her mindless chatter again, James refocused his attention on the light drifting on the lake’s surface. _She believes him._ That thought- the realization that had forced his body into that abnormal reaction- replayed in his head, making him clutch his stomach tighter. _She thinks I did that to Al. And she thinks it’s not the worst thing I’ve done to him._ James pushed his memories of his previous slights against his brother out of his mind. If he thought about all that, he might start retching again… _Lily probably thinks so, too. Everyone would._ The light skipping on the lake faded as a large cloud passed over the sun. James gazed up at the dark cloud, watching as it covered the last bit of yellow-white brightness that shone in the sky. _I can’t blame them for assuming the worst of me._

_I would, too._

. . .

The next morning, James drew sloppy approximations of symbols on a blackboard as Teddy gave a lecture on the Transfiguration alphabet to the first years. James felt his eyelids drooping, and he was sure his posture was horrible. His sleep had been littered with waking up in cold sweats and rolling into the wall; he had managed to get a few hours of shut-eye, but his body and drowsy mind made him feel like he had pulled an all-nighter.

After finishing copying the messy letters onto the board, James sleepily stumbled back to his seat beside Teddy’s desk. Looking to the classroom of students, most all of them looked as tired as he felt. Many of the first years held their heads up with their fists or rested on their folded arms. Teddy had told him before the class that it was one of the most boring lessons that they’d have all year. By the looks of it, his statement was entirely accurate.

As James surveyed the sleepy bunch, he noticed that three of the students looked far more awake than the rest. They sat towards the back of the classroom- two Gryffindor boys and one Slytherin- and one of them looked to be casting a spell.

James stood up to get a better look. Surely enough, behind Teddy’s turned back, one of the Gryffindor boys held out his short wand, causing papers of notes to float above the Slytherin boy’s head. The brown skinned Slytherin boy held up his hand, desperately trying to reach his parchments, while the two Gryffindors covered their laughing mouths.

James could barely make out the noise, but he heard the Slytherin boy whisper-yell, “Put it down!”

“Make me!” The Gryffindor who was casting the spell retorted, raising his wand, and making the papers fly higher.

///

_“Stop it! Leave it alone!”_

_Al had jumped up, off the stone ground, not aware of how foolish he looked. He was so short- at least a head shorter than James- and his height only made his weak attempts to reach his floating notebook more amusing. Students that strolled down the hallway stopped to gawk and giggle at his struggle, but that didn’t make Al stop trying. If he had been in class for a bit longer, ‘Wingardium Leviosa’ could have been his saving grace in this situation, but little Al had only been a first year for a week, and he hadn’t learned any spells that could help him yet._

_James laughed at his brother’s leaps. “Make me!” More students gathered around them, cheering and clapping as James raised Al’s journal higher above his head._

_Seeming to notice the growing crowd, Al stopped jumping and turned bright red. “C’mon, Al!” James had jeered. “Make me!”_

_Rose, standing behind James, nudged his arm. “Just give it back to him already. It’s been long enough!” James ignored her; he was much too caught up in the rampant approval of the crowd. Rose pushed him- not hard enough to knock him down, not even hard enough to get his attention, and insisted, “Let it go, Jamie!”_

_///_

“Let it go.” James commanded.

All eyes in the classroom turned to him, then to the boys he was glaring at. The two Gryffindors froze; the spell promptly stopped in their surprise. The Slytherin’s notes fell to the ground in a messy pile. He almost got up from his seat to retrieve his notes, but James spoke first, “You two,” Pointing to the Gryffindor boys- who both looked rather scared- he continued, “Pick up those papers.”

The bullies scrambled out of their seats, rushing to pick up the pile of parchments and place them haphazardly on the Slytherin’s desk. “Ten points from Gryffindor.” James added, causing the two boys’ faces to fall.

James looked to Teddy, who was as focused on the situation as the rest of the class. Despite his look of bewilderment, Teddy nodded in approval to James. “Evan, switch seats with Mia.” Teddy started, pointing to one of the Gryffindor boys and a girl who sat in the front row. Grudgingly, the boy who had cast the spell slid out of his seat and dragged himself to his new desk. “Apologies, Mia.” Teddy finished, briefly addressing the girl that was now sitting in Evan’s old seat, although she didn’t look all that bothered by the move in the first place.

Sitting back in his seat, James felt the dreaded feeling of guilt building up in him. He had been those boys once; he’d done what they had done and far worse. There was no way to fix his past mistakes; it wasn’t as if he had any Time-Turners on hand. The best he could do was to never make the same mistakes again. And it couldn’t hurt to try to atone for them.

. . .

That evening, James lied on his bed and skimmed his copy of _A Guide to Advanced Transfiguration_. The content of the book was particularly challenging, and made for a suitable distraction. He was planning to skip dinner and read instead; he wasn’t very hungry (and he was worried about throwing up his meal) and he didn’t want to risk seeing Al yet, when he had no idea how he was going to handle their situation.

_Swish._ A noise- like a tiny gust of wind- interrupted James’ reading. He looked around his room. Nothing looked to have made the noise; his window was clasped shut, and nothing that was hanging on his walls looked disturbed by the wind. He almost turned back to his textbook when he noticed a yellow envelope lying on his ground, right in front of his door.

James got up from his bed and approached the letter. Likely, someone had used a spell to propel it below the crack of James’ door. Picking up the letter, he tore the envelope open and quickly scanned the text.

“ _Dinner in the classroom? -T.”_

James smiled and rolled his eyes. How such an informal letter warranted its own envelope, he had no idea. He hadn’t been planning on eating- or talking to anyone for the rest of the night- but he couldn’t leave Teddy waiting.

He slipped out of his pajama pants and into his jeans. Looking into the small mirror, James patted down his bedhead and left his room, heading to the Transfiguration classroom.

. . .

When James entered the Transfiguration classroom, he noticed Teddy sitting at his desk, and that his chair had been moved so that it was across from Teddy’s. Two full plates of food sat at the desk; James suddenly felt more hungry than nauseous. He took his seat, awkwardly scooting his chair closer to the desk and staring at the array of foods.

“I thought you’d prefer eating here.” Teddy said, one side of his mouth tilted into a smile. “You don’t like the staff table, do you?” James let out a small laugh and nodded jokingly; he wished the problems that he was avoiding were that simple. As James started in on his meal, Teddy continued, “I’m glad you caught those boys in class. You already have the signature professor-scowl down pat.”

James would’ve grinned, but the mention of the Gryffindor boys reminded him of Al, which reminded him of how he’d accused him of vandalizing his room, which reminded him of his amassing guilt. He frowned and looked down at his plate. “I have to ask you something.” Teddy nodded intently, putting down his fork and focusing his full attention on James. Even more nervous to ask now that Teddy was staring at him, James struggled to say, “Do you- you know, think that… I- I ruined Al’s room, and stole his notebook like he said I did?”

Teddy was already shaking his head before James even finished his question. “No, of course not. That doesn’t sound like something you’d do. Not in the slightest.” His words, his surety, made James feel infinitely worse and infinitely better. Teddy’s lack of hesitation in his answer sounded so genuine, like he truly couldn’t imagine James doing anything of the sort, almost making James feel reassured. But he _wasn’t_ reassured, because he knew that Teddy had to be lying; everyone else- Al, Rose, Lily- could all easily see James playing that kind of destructive trick on Al.

“But it _does_ sound like something I’d do!” James argued, scrunching his hair in his fist. “That’s the problem! I know that I didn’t do it, but I feel terrible, like somehow it’s my fault, even though I know I’m innocent.”

Teddy took a deep breath in. “It doesn’t sound like anything you would do. I knew the ‘old’ you, and I know the ‘new’ you. You’ve matured a lot, James. Maybe Al doesn’t see that, not yet, but he will. You just have to prove it to him.”

“I know that.” James said, even if he didn’t believe it. “But I still feel… I don’t know, guilty.”

Teddy solemnly nodded. His left hand ruffled his teal hair, then drifted to hold the back of his neck, as if to hold himself back. He bit his lip, then spoke in a quiet tone, “I understand.”

“You do?” James scrunched his nose.

Sighing, Teddy pushed his plate away and turned his face to the side, breaking his eye-contact with James. “After I graduated from Hogwarts, I moved out from my grandma’s home right away.” He stared out the window, watching the night sky, but not focusing on any one star. “Just a few months later, she passed.” James looked down; he remembered attending Andromeda Tonks’ funeral, watching Teddy give a tearless eulogy. “And, for some reason, I thought it was all my fault.”

James felt his mouth open slightly, but he forced himself to close it. Teddy had always seemed so strong; he’d lost his parents before he could stand, he lost his grandma- who had raised him throughout his childhood- as soon as he graduated, and he never seemed sad, or conflicted. He just kept smiling, kept helping, kept working. Some part of James wanted to reach out, grab his hand or hold his arm, but he didn’t think Teddy wanted pity, or comfort. “It- it wasn’t.” He whispered, not sure what to say.

“I knew that, but I couldn’t help feeling that way.” Teddy turned away from the window, seemingly forcing himself to bring his toffee eyes to meet James’. “I remembered every time I had talked back, or broke one of her rules, or snuck out, and I felt guilty. But worse, I felt guilty for leaving home so soon. Like if I had stayed for just a bit longer, she wouldn’t have…” Teddy looked down, watching his own hand shake. James stared for a moment as his hand jittered, but Teddy quickly moved it under the table and out of sight. He took a heavy, shaky breath. “I understand feeling guilty for something you had no part in, and I know that having Al blame you is hard. But even though it hurts when someone blames you for something you didn’t do, it hurts much worse when you blame yourself.”

James was silent for a long moment. Some part of him recognized his self-blame- his self-loathing- as irrational, but his guilt defied this recognition, as it only pained him worse. The sickly, tiring feeling of guilt grew inside of him, threatening to overwhelm him completely and eat him alive. He pressed a hand to his forehead. “How do I… how did _you_ stop blaming yourself?”

“I went to where she was buried, and I told her I was sorry.” Teddy paused, looking out to the stars again. “I never stopped blaming myself, to be honest. But apologizing was a good way to start.”

James mulled over the idea. “So, I should apologize to Al? But I didn’t vandalize his room—”

Teddy interrupted, “Not for that. For whatever you’re _actually_ feeling guilty for.” He reached out, holding James’ shoulder under his grip. “Then you’ll know you did all you could.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading:) Please leave a comment giving your predictions, thoughts, opinions, etc.!  
> (This chapter may be heavily edited later as I'm not really proud of it as-is, but enjoy for now)!


	6. Forgiveness is a Fickle Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James goes to Hogsmeade with Teddy, where he chats over butterbeer, observes an abandoned shack, and musters the courage to apologize to his brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for my inconsistent update schedule- I will usually update weekly, but I'm testing out new days to see what works best!  
> This chapter will likely be heavily edited in the future, so enjoy the original version while you can.  
> Comment your thoughts, opinions, predictions, etc. in the comment box, and thank you for leaving kudos and comments!  
> NOTE- There will not be an update next week due to scheduling conflicts! My updates will continue regularly after next week.

Weeks had passed since James had decided that he would have to apologize to Al. The fall weather was sneaking in with the introduction of October, but James still hadn’t been presented with the opportunity to speak to his brother. He hadn’t been avoiding the conversation; if anything, he was eager to get it done and clear his conscience. It was more that Al was adamantly avoiding _him_. Somehow, Al was able to scurry out of his Transfiguration lessons and hurry out of the way when they saw each other in the hallways. James couldn’t ever catch him in the Great Hall; he had figured that Al was eating in the library, but he hadn’t spotted him there, either. It was like he was an elusive ghost or a gust of uncatchable wind.

It was a cool day with the beginnings of Autumn breezes, and it was the first Hogsmeade trip of the school year. Much to his annoyance- and dismay- James hadn’t been able to spot Al on his way to Hogsmeade, or anywhere around the shops. After some unsuccessful searching, James sat in defeat at the Three Broomsticks, next to Teddy. 

The pub was packed with hoards of chatty students who traded jokes and secrets over foaming cups of butterbeer. With the crowd, the air in the Three Broomsticks was warm and heavy, causing a slight sweat on James’ brow. Despite the uncomfortable humidity, the pub still had a relaxing, home-like energy that James recalled fondly from his time at Hogwarts.

James tapped his foot on the wooden floorboards, flashing his eyes around the pub. He saw a few boys with black hair, but he knew none of them were Al; his hair was a recognizable, mid-neck length, which none of the boys possessed. Slumping his head into his hand, James temporarily gave up on his search.

“I’ll tell you if I spot him.” Teddy said, taking notice to James’ tapping foot.

James nodded in response, but he knew that they wouldn’t be spotting Al today. He hated the Three Broomsticks, and Hogsmeade as a whole; it was likely he had stayed back at the castle to study, or to spend time alone with Scorpius.

“Something to drink?” A waitress interrupted James’ moping. The plump witch had her arms crossed and her eyebrows narrowed; clearly, the hordes of thirsty teenagers had already tested her patience.

“Two butterbeers, thank you.” Teddy responded. James slumped further into his hand. Although butterbeers were his favorite, he was hoping for something stronger to clear his mind, like a shot of firewhiskey. As the witch began to walk away, Teddy called out, “Actually, could you make that four?” The waitress rolled her eyes in annoyance but nodded. “Rose and Lily should be on their way.” Teddy added to James, who had forgotten completely that they were meeting his sister and cousin.

Teddy drummed his fingers on the thick, wooden table. Turning his chair to face James, he said, “If I _do_ spot Al, will you be ready to talk to him?”

Although James was glad that Teddy wasn’t pressuring him into apologizing, the question still made his head pound. “I am. I have to be.”

Teddy’s pronounced eyebrows began to raise, but before he could open his mouth to speak, the door to the Three Broomsticks flung open. The two of them turned instantly to the door; James hoped that Al would come strolling in, but he was disappointed, yet again.

Rose and Lily sped into the pub, hurrying towards their table, and taking the two seats across from James and Teddy. As Rose fell into her seat across from James, she chimed, “Hello-o, boys!” She wore a blue top that contrasted with the bright orange of her hair and held a tiny box of candy. Dropping the box on the table- which James recognized as Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans- she started, “I’ve brought some Bertie-Bott’s from Honeydukes- wanted James to give this red one a try.” She held out a red jellybean between two of her fingers. James felt vaguely threatened by the red bean’s suspicious brown and orange spots. “I reckon it’ll taste like pepper—"

“Oh, shut up, Rose!” Lily interrupted, slamming her hands down on the wooden table. “You’ve been blabbing on about Bertie Bott’s for the last hour- give it a _rest!”_

James laughed, his amusement at his sister’s misplaced anger overcoming his thoughts of Al. “Something else you’d like to talk about, Lily?”

“There’s a million things I’d rather talk about than ruddy _beans!”_ Lily exclaimed, flinging her hands in the air to exaggerate her frustration. She thought for a quick moment- using that time to calm herself down in the process- and then continued, “But I have been wanting to talk to the three of you about what extracurriculars I should take this term.”

Rose opened her mouth and held up a finger, but Lily spoke before she could, “I swear to Merlin, Rose, if you say something stupid like _‘Bertie’s Bean Club’_ …”

Rose shut her mouth.

Not a moment needed to pass before James had formulated the perfect recommendation for Lily. He felt a smile grow on his face as he said, “Well, you’ll play Quidditch, of course! Remember our race- you left me in the dust. The Gryffindor team could use a Seeker with your speed.”

Although James wasn’t all that sure of his own Quidditch skills after his catastrophic failure playing League, he knew it had been impressive that Lily had beaten him. When he was a student, he’d been one of the fastest on any of the house teams; it would take skill for a teenager to beat him, even if every adult player could do so easily.

Teddy nodded at James’ suggestion. He ruffled his tufts of teal hair and added, “They need you on that team, Lily. I think the Gryffindors have been cursed to lose ever since James’ graduation.” He grinned at James with a twinkle in his toffee eyes. James managed to grin back, even though he didn’t take the overexaggerated compliment all that seriously.

Lily leaned back in her wooden chair, tucking her red, artificial curls behind her ear. “I _can’t_ play Quidditch.”

He was rarely ever annoyed with his little sister- in contrast to Al, who he was always at odds with- but James scoffed at her defenseless rebuttal. “Right, right, because you ‘don’t have time’?” He asked with a snark to his tone, recalling Lily’s lie from when he’d suggested her joining the team the first time; her falsehood was obviously founded in nothing now, as Lily herself _wanted_ an extracurricular to take up more of her schedule.

Lily’s make-up plastered cheeks turned bright red. “Maybe I have a bit of time.” She mumbled, suddenly interested in the lines of the wood table. “I just can’t join the team. I love playing Quidditch, but it’s… _embarrassing.”_

James felt his eyebrows shoot up. “’Embarrassing’?” When he was in Hogwarts, being a Seeker only garnered him more popularity; he already had quite enough from being Harry Potter’s son, but the prized position only made him look better. _Not that I needed the ego-boost._ “Everyone loves the house teams.” He added, matter-of-fact.

"Yeah, I’m the Keeper, and everyone _absolutely adores_ me.” Rose exaggerated as she poured her candies on the table to sort them.

Lily grimaced. “Everyone loves players that _win_.”

Her statement struck James like a hard slap across his face. James suddenly understood her vehement avoidance of trying out for the team; he hadn’t made that realization- that he wouldn’t be as adored if he lost- as early as she had. He learned it when he read the articles about his performance and heard the disgruntled mutters about his stats. Of course, he knew the sentiment was ridiculous for _Lily_ to fret over- she was incredibly talented, and there was no reason to be worried about impressing a bunch of judgmental teenagers- but he felt it rang true, all the same.

“You can always help tutoring for Transfiguration if you really need an extracurricular, Lily.” Teddy said, taking James out of his thoughts.

Rose took a break from organizing her candies (by color, of course) and let out a dry laugh. “Bless the unlucky first years that get Lily as their tutor.”

“Are you honestly trying to start with me again—” Lily started, but squeezed her lips shut as the witch came by their table, dropping off their four butterbeers- after long wait. The waitress gave them a raised brow, accepting their numerous “thank-you’s” and trotting away. After a moment of uncomfortable silence, the four of them laughed in unison, diffusing the awkwardness.

James could hear the door to the Three Broomsticks open, but he didn’t bother to turn his head. _It’s not going to be Al._

His assumption turned out to be correct; three girls approached their table. James recognized them as Margot, Tara, and Alys, Lily’s gaggle of friends. The trio reached their table in a hurry; their expressions varied from ecstatic to sickly nervous. Her friend with lengthy, black hair and long limbs- who James guessed was Margot- spoke to Lily in rushed words, “You have to come with us _now_ , Lily! Owen and Aidan are outside of Madame Puddifoot’s!”

James blinked. _Why does it matter who’s outside of Madame Puddifoot’s Tea Shop? And Owen- is she talking about the Gryffindor who was a prick on my first day?_ He seemed to be the only one out of the loop; Rose rolled her eyes, as if this were a reoccurring event, and Teddy looked entirely unfazed.

“Right _now?!”_ Lily sprung up from her chair, digging in the back pocket of her jeans and pulling out a tube of lip gloss. She quickly applied the product to her lips, then readjusted her hair. “Do I look alright?”

“You look gorgeous!” One of her other friends- Tara, possibly- exclaimed. “ _I_ look terrible! Even Sleekeasy Potion couldn’t fix my hair!” Tara’s blonde hair hadn’t a strand out of place; James wondered if her vision was faulty or if she was fishing for compliments.

“Oh, you’re perfect, Tara, shut it!” Lily said, joining her friends and hurrying out of the Three Broomsticks, shouting a quick “bye” to the three of them before disappearing from their sight. 

James took a long sip of his butterbeer, enjoying the sugary sweet taste and mentally questioning the interaction he had just witnessed. Rose wiped some of her drink from her top lip. “I’ll never understand why girls fancy that ass, Owen. He can’t even score a goal on the pitch.”

James’ eyes widened, both at her statement and the nonchalant nature of it. His brain spun in circles to try and comprehend the idea of Lily and her friends liking _that_ boy. “F-fancy—” James started a question, but Rose stood up from her seat before he could properly demand answers.

“Well, I’m going off to Zonko’s. Been needing more sugar quills.” Rose scampered out of the pub, taking her tall glass of butterbeer along with her.

Rubbing his forehead, James decided to ignore his confusion over Lily and her friends- he had enough confusion already with Al, his job, and all. Seemingly noticing his need for a distraction, Teddy patted James’ shoulder. James felt himself sit up straighter. Standing up, Teddy asked, “Want to go to the Shrieking Shack?”

“The _Shrieking Shack_?” James repeated, feeling even more confusion overtake his already busy brain. “Why?”

After leaving a few sickles on the table for the butterbeers, Teddy smiled at James’ furrowed brows. “It’s the most interesting place in Hogsmeade, and I know you love a good thrill.”

. . .

James and Teddy stood meters away from the Shrieking Shack, but it still managed give off a daunting appearance. It was a tiny structure, but it was like a dark speck on its bright surroundings. The boarded-up doors and windows added to the mysteriousness of the shack. James could remember when he was younger and found the abandoned house ominous; from its outward appearance, he could understand why. 

But now- somehow- the Shrieking Shack didn’t appear all that frightening to James. It was just a building- perhaps it was a bit worn down- but it was nothing truly menacing, despite its appearance. It was like seeing a monster in his closet at night but waking up and realizing it was just the shadow of a coat. “You know, I used to avoid going around here. It’s really not all that bad, though, now. Lonely, maybe, but not scary.” James said to Teddy, who was watching the shack as intently as him.

Teddy’s expression- or lack thereof- was completely empty, but forcibly so; clearly, something was on his mind, but he appeared neutral enough to hide it. “Lonely can be scary,” He whispered to himself, so quiet that James was sure he hadn’t intended for him to hear it. James began to wonder what he meant when he continued, now at a normal volume, “My dad used to go through all of his… transformations… at the Shrieking Shack. His yells made people suspect the shack was haunted, and the stories began.”

James felt slightly stupid for forgetting about what the Shrieking Shack was formerly used for. It was one of those things his own father had told him once, but he would forget until it was mentioned again. He remembered the stories of Teddy’s father’s lycanthropy, the Marauders, and their map. “Must’ve been scary for him,” James said absentmindedly as he stared at the outside of the shack, struggling to imagine a werewolf transforming inside of it. “But he wasn’t alone, was he?”

The neutral expression on Teddy’s face disappeared as a slight smile appeared on his lips. “No, I suppose he wasn’t.”

James gripped Teddy’s shoulder, hoping it wasn’t a mistake to come here with him, but judging by his expression, he wasn’t all that upset. His eyes looked a bit sad- drooped, unfocused- but his smile was genuine. A few moments ago, James had been unable to read Teddy’s expressionless face, but now, he could see all the joy, the pain, the amusement, the longing.

He let go of Teddy’s shoulder, turning away from the Shrieking Shack one second before he did the same. “Odd idea of a ‘thrill’,” James joked as they began to slowly walk away from the shack. “More interesting than a candy or prank shop, but sort of grim.”

Teddy chuckled, watching his leather boots trudge on the grass. “It doesn’t sound very thrilling when you put it like that.” He looked over his shoulder, back at the dingy shack. “’Interesting’ was more the goal, I suppose.”

“It was—” James started to respond, but the words caught in his throat as he spotted two figures in the close distance.

Al and Scorpius looked to be approaching the Shrieking Shack, but Al stopped in his tracks when he made eye-contact with James. He turned around immediately, but his friend, Scorpius, grabbed his arm and made him turn back around to face James.

James gulped, trying to rid his worries with a swallow. He hurried towards Al as Scorpius kept him in place, reaching the two of them before Al could leave. Looking into Al’s cold, green eyes, James had no time to contemplate his nerves. “I have to talk to you.”

A scowl spread on Al’s face, extenuating his angled features. He shook Scorpius’ hand off his arm. “Just leave me alone, will you?”

“I will, I promise.” James begged, a familiar pit growing in his stomach. “Just let me talk to you once.” Al’s eyebrows raised in annoyance, or perhaps disbelief. “Please.” Al rolled his eyes, not acknowledging James’ words or the desperation in his tone. James held his own wrist, trying to reassure himself.

After James’ pleading, everyone remained silent for a weighted moment. Teddy broke the tension, directing his statement towards Scorpius. “Why don’t we go over there—” Vaguely pointing off in the distance, he caused Scorpius to look in the direction of his finger. “—And discuss the grade you received on your last paper?”

Scorpius frowned. “But I got an O- oh, _oh_ , right, we should definitely discuss that!” He nodded vehemently, allowing him and Teddy to stroll away from where James and Al remained. As the two of them left, Al looked like he was contemplating leaving, as well.

“ _Please.”_ James repeated with more emotion, crossing his fingers that he would not lose his opportunity to speak with Al.

Al crossed his arms, making James sweat at the threat of his dismissal, but then he said in a bored tone, “Fine. One minute, say whatever you want.”

Taking a deep breath in, James wondered if he was ready to say what he was going to. _I’m ready. Not just because I have to be. I’m ready to own up._ “I’m sorry.”

James surprised himself. He hadn’t expected to not stutter, to sound so sure, when he had only just confirmed that he was ready to apologize. Al looked surprised, too; his eyes widened, and his mouth dropped slightly. Words full of bitter fury left his tight mouth, “So, you admit that you trashed my room—"

“No,” James interrupted quickly. “I didn’t trash your room or steal your notebook. I’m apologizing for something else.” He noticed Al’s puzzled, narrowed expression and did his best to ignore it. “I’m sorry for everything I did to you before. I’m sorry for bullying you, for pulling pranks, for teasing, for laughing, for going too far with my jokes. I guess, at the time, I thought it was all in good fun, or…” Al’s expression went from puzzled back to furious; he balled his fists and narrowed his eyes, his breaths became more aggressive, and more infrequent. “…Maybe not. Maybe, deep down, I knew I was being awful, but I kept at it because… I don’t know, because I thought I was… superior. Or because I wanted to prove to myself that I was somehow superior. It was- _I_ was- terrible. I know, now, that it was already hard enough for you to be a Slytherin, and I just made everything worse for you. There’s nothing I can say to take back what I did. Merlin, I wish I could. I just wanted you to know that there’s no excuses to be made for how I acted, and that I’m sorry.”

Al’s scowl had softened in the slightest, but it was still unwavering. James cleared his throat and continued, “I don’t blame you for thinking that I ruined your dorm, but I didn’t. Ever since… ever since my Quidditch career crashed and burned, I feel like a different person. I _want_ to be a different person, at least. I want to be better, and I want to prove to you that I’ve changed. Even if you can’t forgive me.”

James took a deep breath, in and out. Now that he had released all his words, he felt so much _lighter_. The sentences and paragraphs that had flooded and plagued his mind for weeks were finally out, finally off his chest. The weight of those words, those sentences, those paragraphs, was finally gone, and James was soaring weightlessly. Flying carefree in the air, aware of all that surrounded him, but no longer falling and crashing from the sky.

Al turned around and began to walk away, back to Scorpius, before James could get a glimpse of his expression. Easily, he could’ve still been angry and upset, but perhaps his frustration wasn’t as definitive, and could be overcame in time. Before Al was out of earshot, James yelled after him, “You’ll consider? Forgiving me?”

Al kept walking, and for a moment, James was sure that he had messed up one too many times to no longer warrant forgiveness. To his surprise, Al exclaimed in response, “I- I don’t know!”

As Al and his friend faded away in the distance, James looked down and smiled. He smiled, without thinking about it, and he laughed. He laughed and shook his head, feeling equally giddy and confused by his own giddiness.

He only had a bit of hope that Al would forgive him, but only a bit was enough for James.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave your thoughts, opinions, predictions, etc. in the comment box!  
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter!  
> Just a reminder- there will not be an update next week, but my updates will remain consistent after that!


	7. To Look To the Sun, To Have it Look Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taking a break from worrying about his brother, James improves his teaching abilities and shares a bottle of firewhiskey with Teddy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE- Unfortunately, one of my family members is sick and my work schedule is currently very overwhelming, and this fic is currently on hiatus. It is NOT abandoned and will never be abandoned, I just will be taking an extended break due to my personal life.  
> IMPORTANT- My upload schedule is officially once every other week. The day and time may vary, but it'll mainly remain consistent. Occasionally, I'll update once weekly (instead of biweekly), but I'm super busy with my IRL schedule.  
> I hope everyone enjoys this chapter! Although, it is a bit short; the next chapter was meant to be a part of this chapter, but I thought a few aspects of the story needed more development before then, so I separated them and added more onto this section.  
> Please leave a comment with your thoughts! Thank you for all the kudos and comments from the previous chapters!

After turning in their essays on the Transfiguration alphabet, the first years lost all ability to focus. They tapped their feet and shook their legs, anxiously checking their watches, waiting for the hour hand to jump to the next number on the clock so that they would be one hour closer to the Hallowe’en Feast. As Teddy droned on with the review of the material, the students whispered tales of spirits and dreams of candies. James wondered if Teddy hadn’t noticed the students’ impatient chatting, or if he was willfully ignoring it.

James got up from his seat, slowly approaching Teddy from behind and patting him on the shoulder of his leather jacket. Teddy noticed his touch, but he was immobile in his position, not turning his head as he murmured, “Just a moment, James, I’m almost done with the review—”

“I think that the students have been done with the review since it began.” James interrupted in a whisper, observing the antsy students who appeared far more interested in full moons and pumpkins than the intricacies of the Transfiguration alphabet.

Teddy turned his head to James, his fingers trailing through his bright teal hair. “It’s always like this on Halloween. I’d give them a free period if it weren’t for their quiz next week.”

Nodding in response, James thought for a moment. He hadn’t any idea of how to make students focus; after all, he’d slept or talked through most of his lessons back at Hogwarts. _The only class that could keep my attention was Flying. Especially when we’d have races…_ James felt like a switch had been flipped in his brain as he swallowed his nerves and clapped his hands together. The class turned to him, some with eyebrows raised in annoyance and others with wide eyes. “Um, I’ve got an activity for you all to do!” The class collectively groaned and straightened themselves in their seats. James felt his forehead beading with sweat. “Not an activity, really, but a _game_.” A few of the first years in the front rows sat up, but the rest looked unamused. _Is it really this difficult to entertain a bunch of eleven-year-olds?_ “And whoever wins will get… bonus points! On the quiz next week!”

Suddenly, the entire class became silent, then instantly loud again as they debated and bragged about who would win. James felt himself begin to smile. _At least they’re talking about the class, now._

“Are you making this up as you go, or…?” Teddy started, his whisper a cool breath on the side of James’ face.

“Of course I’m making it up!” James whisper-exclaimed, beginning to gather parchments from Teddy’s desk. “Just trust me.”

He began to walk up and down the rows of desks, placing a piece of clean parchment on each one. Causing the chatter to fall silent as he spoke, James started, “I’ll write a word in English on the blackboard. Whoever can copy it first- correctly- using the Transfiguration alphabet will get a point. Fifteen rounds, and whoever has the most points by the end is the winner.”

The first years readied their quills against their parchments, tightening their grips as James picked up a piece of chalk. He was about to write down the first word when he noticed Teddy’s close-mouthed smile, and his toffee eyes that stared at him and shone with approval.

James wrote the first word with a loose wrist and confident lines.

. . .

“The last point goes to Mia!” James exclaimed, pointing to a brunette Gryffindor girl seated in the back row. He erased the last word on the board, adding, “Okay, tally up your points, everyone. Raise your hand if you think you’ve won!”

As the class scrambled to tally their score and berate their classmates with lower points, Teddy looked up from his seat behind his desk. “I think I’ll have you make the lesson plans from now on.” He joked, giving James a friendly pat on his arm. James put down the chalk in his fist as he realized he was squeezing it into a new shape. “Or maybe I’ll have you start off by marking their papers on your own.”

James grinned. It was almost the end of October, but the only thing he had done solo, so far, had been reading out prewritten lectures to second years. “That pile of unmarked essays is calling my name.”

Teddy’s smile was lopsided. “You’ll need a bottle of firewhiskey to get through those.”

“I’ve got it, Mr. Potter!” James turned to see the Gryffindor girl, Mia, waving her parchment above her head. “Four points!”

“Four points for Mia!” James retrieved the chalk and hurried back to the blackboard, sloppily recording the girl’s name and her score. “Does anyone have Mia beat?”

James watched as a shy hand from the back of the classroom slowly raised; he recognized the boy who the hand belonged to more clearly than he recognized most of the students, as he was the Slytherin who he’d seen be picked on by the pair of Gryffindors. James felt the corners of his mouth begin to turn up as he called out, “How many points, Tobias?”

The brown-skinned boy blinked, taking a moment before mumbling, “I- I’ve got five.”

“Five points for Tobias!” James recorded his score on the blackboard. He looked back to the students, who whispered amongst themselves and peered at each other’s parchments. “Anyone have a higher score?” James asked, causing the class’ whispers to fall silent. He was glad to notice the beginnings of a proud smile on the Slytherin boy’s lips. “No one? Well, that makes Tobias the winner of the bonus points. Great job, everyone!”

The hour ended simultaneously with the pronouncement of the winner of the game. Although, the students were far too caught up in the excitement of the competition to hurry to their next class as quickly as usual; they took extra moments to pack their things and giggle in their small cliques. James let out a long breath, puffing out his chest. A wave of confidence returned to him, an unfamiliar feeling of accomplishment. It was just a small game, but he’d came up with it, and the class actually _enjoyed_ it. His cheeks felt raw from smiling.

James fell back into reality as he noticed the Slytherin boy, Tobias, and the Gryffindor girl, Mia, approaching him. For a moment, he worried that they wanted him to settle an argument about the legitimacy of the scores, but luckily, the two of them wore ear-to-ear smiles.

Mia clasped her hands together, causing the horrendous amount of plastic bracelets on her wrists to shake. “That was really fun, Mr. Potter!”

James was sure that he was turning red. “Thank you, Mia, but I’m alright with being called James.”

She shook her head vehemently, as if calling a staff member by their first name would cause her to faint. Tobias nudged her shoulder, making Mia exclaim, “Oh, right! We’ll play again, won’t we? I _need_ another chance so I can beat Toby.”

James laughed and nodded, struggling to remember a time when little things like getting a better score than a friend mattered to him. “I’ll have to ask Ted- _Professor Lupin_.” James corrected himself, tugging on the bottom of his sleeve. “Maybe before the semester exams? We’ll see, I suppose.”

“We’ll be looking forward to it!” Mia gave him a toothy smile, then turned to the door, where the rest of the chatty students were beginning to file out. Tobias stayed in front of James, awkwardly holding his arm and looking at the ground. Seemingly noticing her friend wasn’t behind her, Mia called out, “C’mon, we’ll be late for Potions!”

“I’ll catch up with you!” Tobias called back, putting his hands in the pockets of his trousers. As Mia rolled her eyes and sped out of the classroom, Tobias slowly allowed himself to look up at James. “I feel bad, that I never thanked you.”

James frowned, trying to recall something that he did that warranted thanks. “For what?”

Tobias looked back at the ground, scratching the back of his hand. “When Evan and Jack were making my papers fly, and you took away their House Points. They don’t bother me anymore. As much.”

It hadn’t been obvious to James that he would feel grateful for that. At the time, James had felt as much like a bully as the two Gryffindor boys. It had been like he was paying his dues, or that it was his penance for everything he used to be- it had been fueled with so much anger. He knew he had done the right thing, but he was so blinded with self-hatred that he hadn’t realized that he had _helped_. “That’s- that’s great.” James said, dumbfounded, hoping he sounded as sincere as he felt. “They give you any more trouble, let me know. Detention’ll straighten them out.” He tried to sound as confident as possible, for Tobias’ sake, but part of James didn’t believe himself. He had gotten plenty of detentions for his pranks on Al when he was a student, and he continued without issue, but if the Gryffindors had already eased off after just losing a few House Points, perhaps they were less determined to continue than James had been.

Tobias’ mouth dropped. “Really? You’d give them _detention?”_

Covering a chuckle with a cough, James joked, “I’ve been waiting to give one all year.”

. . .

James sat at his desk and sorted through the first years’ essays on the Transfiguration alphabet, using a candle for light. Teddy had told him that he didn’t need to grade them all that night, but James had been feeling a rush of motivation to work after how well class had gone that day. Now that he was one essay from being done- and now that the Hallowe’en Feast had ended at least an hour ago- all of James’ motivation had been squeezed dry. If he had to check the _Beginner’s Guide to Transfiguration_ one more time for a definition or read one more essay that was stacked with misspellings, he would pass out.

He scribbled an “E” on the final essay, thoroughly bored. _Maybe I’m alright at class activities, but grading essays is not my thing._ James thought as he lied his heavy head on the wood of his desk. _Screw the bed, I’ll just sleep here…_

James had only just closed his eyes when his door creaked open, making his eyes shoot open instantly. He almost yelled at the figure entering his room, but as he noticed it was Teddy, he shut his mouth. He was holding orange-colored wrapped pastries under one arm, and a bottle of unopened firewhiskey in the other. James sprung his head up, forgetting entirely about his exhaustion as he allowed a grin to spread across his face. “I thought you were joking about the firewhiskey!”

“I _never_ joke about firewhiskey.” Teddy smirked, dropping the pastries and the whiskey on James’ bed, moving his pillow to sit down next to them. “I knew you’d be needing it after marking all those essays. Just reading the thesis on Evan’s gave me a headache.”

James laughed, sitting down on the other side of the contraband. “Oof, his read like something I would’ve wrote back then. Complete with the big letters to fill up the parchment requirement.”

Leaning back against the headboard, Teddy opened one of the orange pastries. “You know, for someone who couldn’t care less about Transfiguration throughout school, you’re impressively good at teaching it.”

James felt his pulse quicken at the compliment; he quickly grabbed the bottle of firewhiskey and unwrapped it. “That’s an overstatement. I mean, it was fun for them, but they weren’t really _learning_.”

Teddy shook his head. “It’s that kind of stuff that makes them remember it. Makes it important to them, you know?” James took a long shot of the firewhiskey, drinking out of the bottle. It was a river of warmth and spice as it flowed down his throat. Teddy grinned, taking the bottle and a shot for himself. “Has Al spoke with you yet? I noticed him waiting outside of the classroom the other day.”

“Really?” James asked, even though he wasn’t anticipating an answer. It had been weeks since he apologized to Al, and he hadn’t seen him anytime outside of class. James wanted to give his brother time, and he was hopeful that he’d grow to forgive him, but the chances felt more and more futile every day that passed. _Maybe the chances are better if what Teddy’s saying is true._ “We haven’t talked at all since. I can’t blame him for taking his time, I just wish I knew how much time he needed.” _And I kind of just wish that Al will find out whoever really stole his journal and he’ll magically forgive me. But it’s way more complicated than that, anyways._ “It’s hard to imagine him forgiving me for everything. Like, remember that time I turned his hair bright red during summer vacation?”

Teddy let out an extended laugh. “That was some impressive transfiguration, on your part.” He took another sip of the firewhiskey, then handed it back to James. “Maybe he won’t forgive you for that one.” He joked, his eyes looking at the window as he recalled the memory. “The red hair didn’t suit him at all. Not like yours’ did, back then.”

James giggled and rolled his eyes. Before he turned fourteen, he had always worn his hair as its natural auburn. He remembered how jealous he was that Al looked more like their dad than he did, so he dyed his hair to match theirs’. It was all in vain; Al still looked more like their father than him, even with the fake hair color. All of it seemed stupid to him, now. “Been thinking of letting it grow out. Black doesn’t fit me as well as it used to.”

“I’ve always liked the auburn better.” Teddy tousled the top of James’ hair. James felt the hair on the back of his neck tense and stand up. Continuing, Teddy added, “It was more down-to-earth, maybe, or more genuine. Or perhaps just more handsome.”

James took another shot of the firewhiskey, hoping he was holding the bottle high enough so that it covered his heating cheeks. Swallowing the burning drink, he wiped the remains of it off his lip. “Sounds like I’ll be growing it out, then.”

As James began to wonder how he’d look with his old hair color on his grown face, Teddy caught him off guard; he turned his teal hair reddish, the same shade of auburn that James’ used to be. Even though he had already swallowed his shot, James felt like he was choking as a loud laugh escaped him. “Merlin, turn it back! You look like my Uncle Ron!” If James ever thought that Teddy could rock any hair color, he was terribly mistaken; any shade of Weasley red looked awfully wrong on him.

Teddy smiled- with his teeth showing, like he never does- and closed his eyes. James was crossing his fingers that he was changing his hair back to teal, but to his dismay- and disgust- Teddy morphed his face into a near-exact replica of James’ Uncle Ron. “Change it back! Holy sh- that’s going to give me nightmares—” James spat his words out, but he couldn’t stop laughing. His eyes were watering; there was something both extremely amusing and extremely terrifying about seeing his Uncle Ron’s face on Teddy’s head and body, and with all of Teddy’s piercings. In between bouts of laughter, James added, “Don’t think I’ll _ever_ be able to unsee that.”

“I’m sorry,” Teddy said, but he was chuckling and holding his stomach. Luckily for James’ view, he changed his face and hair back to their beautiful regular. “Trust me, the last thing I want you to see when you look at me is your uncle.”

James felt his eyebrows shoot up as he mentally overanalyzed Teddy’s words. _Why do I have to think about what he meant by that, when he probably meant nothing else than what he said? Why do I have to care?_ Nervous jitters struck James’ stomach, making him take a long gulp of the firewhiskey to drown them out. As the whiskey poured down his throat, it was as if it was fierier than before, like it held more flames that were ready to heighten the nervousness in his stomach, rather than calm them.

Teddy snatched the bottle from his hands, holding it in his arms as if it were an infant. “Save some for the rest of us, there, James! You’ll be drunk if you drink any more- don’t want to be hungover for the Quidditch game tomorrow, do you?”

James could only nod in response, as he was too busy trying to comprehend the insistent fluttering in his stomach to listen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Please leave a comment with your thoughts, opinions, feelings, etc.!  
> UPDATE- Unfortunately, one of my family members is sick and my work schedule is currently very overwhelming, and this fic is currently on hiatus. It is NOT abandoned and will never be abandoned, I just will be taking an extended break due to my personal life.


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